"Retarded Sex"

"Dude. Cops at Drive Thru?"

So I heard on the radio this morning on the way to work that police in Arizona have begun posing as fast food restaurant employees at 24-hour restaurants. Their goal is to catch wasted souls pursuing the slider golden treasure or whatever their late night munchies may be. One cop dresses and acts as an employee working the drive-thru, while a normal cop waits outside in the parking lot for the arrest. On one hand, I am perfectly fine with deterring drunken drivers from the roads, but on the other hand I can't imagine how many innocent hippies (regardless of how much they stink like burning incense and unshaven feminine armpits), influenced by herbal remedies, will be harrassed.

"Why Can't Papa Johns Come To My House?"

Has anyone seen the latest commercial from Papa John's where Papa John just shows up randomly at somebody's house with a shitload of pizzas? I still can't figure out how he happened to "randomly" choose the house that also happened to be having some kind of family get-together or birthday party. That got me thinking about how funny it'd be if he really did just randomly pick out a house and show up way too excited with way too many pizzas. Can you imagine if he showed up at some asshole redneck's house or an old senile man without pants? Or better yet, can you imagine how much you'd be cheesing your underwear with excitement if you happened to be sitting on your couch, drunk off your ass, at 2 in the morning and suddenly Papa John showed up at your door with a bunch of people carrying pizzas?

I bet that is what it feels like to win the lottery.

"A Strange Conversation With An Older Lady"

I have a student loan through Nelnet and every damn time I go online to make my monthly payment, I am always getting my passwords mixed up or my username. When I change my password back to something i'll remember they wont let you use a previous username or password, so i am forced to change it to something new. Last time, for no apparent reason, I decided to change my username to MrButtface and PoopRules as my password.

To make a long story short, today I misspelled my username or password more than three times, the computer locked me out, and I was forced to call Nelnet to make a payment over the phone. After providing the women with my name and social security number she also asked me to provide my username and password for online verification.

Typing Mr. Butt Face and Poop Rules into your computer is one thing, but saying it out loud without laughing to a customer service lady was totally different.

"Where I Have Been For the Last Two Months"

I truly apologize to all the millions of my fans and readers of this Pulitzer Prize nominated blog for my absence over the past 50 or 60 days while I learned more about having AIDS and recieved treatment. I really appreciate all of the letters of support and gifts of flowers, cards, and balloons. I especially appreciated the Mexican midget stripper blow-up doll that some crazy fan from Iowa sent me. Sadly and shamefully though, I have a confession. I don't have AIDS. In fact, I've never even had an STD and I am so afraid of accidentally procreating a miniature me, that I possibly have Obsessive-Condom-Compulsive-Disorder or OCCD.

The real reason for my long absence from babbling on about unimportant and insensitive ideas and thoughts on the blog is that I have just been lazy. That is it. I've just been a piece of shit for the last couple of months. However, I have quite a bit of shit stuck up in the ol' memory bank to last me for awhile.

To recap the last couple months, here is a list of the top 10 things that occured during my absence.

10.) That crazy, rambling midget that rode that cheap horse to a Kentucky Derby win. I still have no idea what he was saying during the post-race interview, but the race was awesome.

9.) That old bag on America's Got Talent finally got kicked off. Speaking of Susan Boyle, a guy on the radio the other day was asking which would be worse to be forced to have sex with, Susan Boyle or Amy Winehouse? uhhhhh.....yikes. Susan Boyle probably tastes like moth balls and old, sweaty underwear, while Winehouse obviously tastes like a puke-filled ashtray.

8.) We adopted a cow. There was this cow that needed a home because its owner at the farm had died. Even though I live in a normal suburban neighborhood, we at least have a fenced in yard. We have even started letting him come inside occasionally to sleep if it is too hot outside.

O.K. We really didn't adopt a cow, but I still think it would be pretty cool if we did.

7.) The NFL draft and Donald Brown. This little guy is the perfect fit for our Colts. Next year's version of Matt Forte.

6.) I saw this fat guy split his sweatpants wide open at the grocery store bending over for some Mentos at the checkout line. I had to act like I forgot something and left the line, because I could tell everyone was sensing I was a jackass for laughing so hard.

5.) Football became 2 months closer to starting. Just thinking about waking up on that first Sunday of the season and running downstairs to the television like a child on Christmas gives me goosebumps. Or makes me crap my pants with excitement. One of the two.

4.) The planning of my bachelor party in Vegas has begun......Giggity! Giggity! Giggity!

3.) Warm weather has returned and I have a huge, white trash, above-ground pool now in my backyard to prove it.

2.) I saw this dancing cockatoo on YouTube. It was fucking awesome.

1.) I didn't finish the movie "Marley and Me". I got in a few cheap laughs, but cut out as soon as I noticed the movie was taking its inevitable turn for the worst. There is just no reason to voluntarily make yourself depressed by watching some beloved dog kick the bucket.

"Dr. H's Views on Religion" (Dear Church People: Sue Me!)

Before I begin my rant on the problem with religion and society, please remember that these are simply my viewpoints and obviously you all are free to believe in whatever you want.

First of all, I 100% believe that humans evolved from apes. In fact, it almost seems impossible that we didn’t. I mean the world was at one point completely submerged in water and every organism and animal that exists today is a direct result of adaptation. Fish grew legs to adapt to the increasing amounts of land and were forced to do so in order to survive the rapid changes surrounding them. Why would this be any different for us? Most church-goers frown upon the idea of evolution and view those that believe in this theory as atheists. Now although I do not completely buy into the whole happy Bible story version of God, I do believe that some form of a God does exist. Couldn’t God have simply created apes and we have evolved from those original ancestors? Religious advocates argue of course not. Because ever since we were little, we have been told the story of how God created a man and a women that ate a piece of damn fruit from a tree guarded by a talking snake and ended up procreating together and now we have over 6 billion people on this Earth. Sorry, but I am not buying it. For those of you that do, let me guess, you also believe that some guy named Noah built a boat large enough to hold two of every animal on Earth and managed to not only get all of these animals onto the boat at the same time, but successfully kept them afloat without the tigers trying to kill the gazzelles or the snakes trying to eat the rats? Yeh, and I still have a shot at becoming a major league baseball player and marrying Eva Longoria.

I actually think the Bible is a collection of great stories to live by, but hardly a collection of factual evidence and true events. The basic philosophies of living as a good person and doing the right thing is true, but the stories are mostly just that. Stories. Remember playing the game “telephone” when you were a kid in kindergarten and by the time the sentence got to the last kid in the class, “the dog went to the grocery store to buy eggs” became “The cat went to the movies to collect eggs”? Well, if these stories in the Bible are factual and an exact reenactment of true historical events, then I have a hard time believing that thousands of years later nothing has been exaggerated or embellished with time. Just like how every grandparent had to walk 5 miles uphill, both ways, to school every day or how every ex-athlete remembers himself as twice the high school all-star as he actually was. I think most of the messages in the Bible are great and serve as some pretty good rules to live by, but it is hardly a collection of factual stories.

My next point about religion is that people have always naturally wanted to have something to believe in. It makes them feel more secure and comfortable and gives them a sense of purpose in their life. Since the beginning of time, humans wanted to have reasons for all of the world’s natural mysteries and began creating Gods for about every natural phenomenon. The Sun God, Water God, etc., etc. Eventually, the various development of societies all around the world began forming their own hypothesis of how religion works and several forms of religion were established and developed. Now a days, with all of the hate, war, and argument about religion, I have a hard time believing that only ONE of these religions is correct and that the rest of them have just been wasting their time. The truth is that nobody really knows for sure who is right, but whatever or whoever created this amazing Earth is probably somewhere staring down at us, just ashamed of what we are arguing over. My theory on the whole Jesus and God thing is that I believe in the former and not the latter. Oh no. I said it. I don’t believe in Jesus, but please don’t call me an atheist. I do believe that there is a higher being, an ultimate creator, because there is no way that something as intricate, complex, and amazing as this earth could have started without one. However, I think the stories of Jesus Christ are just that. Stories. Yes, they are nice examples of morals and ethics, but just like the rest of the stories in the Bible, I certainly don’t believe he was as exactly as the Bible tells us. He could have been a great man, but that is where I would leave it.

Lastly, If God is supposed to be so almighty and powerful, so gracious and holy, then why do we think he wants us to gather every Sunday and worship and praise him. If he is so wonderful and divine he most likely doesn’t need anyone telling him how great he is. He created the Earth for God’s sake, so I think he already knows he’s a pretty big deal. It seems to me that he would rather have us go hand out some canned goods to the poor or plant a garden in our community, or do something good for society. He’d rather have us walking along a trail in the park, admiring his work, then crowding into a stuffy church and singing songs about how wonderful he is and collecting money so the church can build a big cross in the lobby or expand the church. My point here is that if the basis of the Bible is to live your life as a humble, helpful, and good citizen and human being, then going out into the world and acting upon that assumption is far better than crowding into a church to sing about how wonderful God is. Maybe I’ll just start my own religion. I’ll call it “Realism” or “Dr. H’s Magical World of Subway Sandwiches in The Park”. One of the two. Anyone that wants to meet me each Sunday in the park to eat sandwiches can be part of my congregation. Trust me. If there is a God, he’ll be much happier for it.