"Where I Have Been For the Last Two Months"

I truly apologize to all the millions of my fans and readers of this Pulitzer Prize nominated blog for my absence over the past 50 or 60 days while I learned more about having AIDS and recieved treatment. I really appreciate all of the letters of support and gifts of flowers, cards, and balloons. I especially appreciated the Mexican midget stripper blow-up doll that some crazy fan from Iowa sent me. Sadly and shamefully though, I have a confession. I don't have AIDS. In fact, I've never even had an STD and I am so afraid of accidentally procreating a miniature me, that I possibly have Obsessive-Condom-Compulsive-Disorder or OCCD.

The real reason for my long absence from babbling on about unimportant and insensitive ideas and thoughts on the blog is that I have just been lazy. That is it. I've just been a piece of shit for the last couple of months. However, I have quite a bit of shit stuck up in the ol' memory bank to last me for awhile.

To recap the last couple months, here is a list of the top 10 things that occured during my absence.

10.) That crazy, rambling midget that rode that cheap horse to a Kentucky Derby win. I still have no idea what he was saying during the post-race interview, but the race was awesome.

9.) That old bag on America's Got Talent finally got kicked off. Speaking of Susan Boyle, a guy on the radio the other day was asking which would be worse to be forced to have sex with, Susan Boyle or Amy Winehouse? uhhhhh.....yikes. Susan Boyle probably tastes like moth balls and old, sweaty underwear, while Winehouse obviously tastes like a puke-filled ashtray.

8.) We adopted a cow. There was this cow that needed a home because its owner at the farm had died. Even though I live in a normal suburban neighborhood, we at least have a fenced in yard. We have even started letting him come inside occasionally to sleep if it is too hot outside.

O.K. We really didn't adopt a cow, but I still think it would be pretty cool if we did.

7.) The NFL draft and Donald Brown. This little guy is the perfect fit for our Colts. Next year's version of Matt Forte.

6.) I saw this fat guy split his sweatpants wide open at the grocery store bending over for some Mentos at the checkout line. I had to act like I forgot something and left the line, because I could tell everyone was sensing I was a jackass for laughing so hard.

5.) Football became 2 months closer to starting. Just thinking about waking up on that first Sunday of the season and running downstairs to the television like a child on Christmas gives me goosebumps. Or makes me crap my pants with excitement. One of the two.

4.) The planning of my bachelor party in Vegas has begun......Giggity! Giggity! Giggity!

3.) Warm weather has returned and I have a huge, white trash, above-ground pool now in my backyard to prove it.

2.) I saw this dancing cockatoo on YouTube. It was fucking awesome.

1.) I didn't finish the movie "Marley and Me". I got in a few cheap laughs, but cut out as soon as I noticed the movie was taking its inevitable turn for the worst. There is just no reason to voluntarily make yourself depressed by watching some beloved dog kick the bucket.