I came across this web page on Deadspin and although I am pretty sure it is a joke, it is still amazing at how bizarre, yet creepy it is. Can anyone explain to me what is going on?
WWW.URJERRYGAME.BLOGSPOT.COM
Saturday, January 31, 2009
"I Don't Know What to Think"
I came across this web page on Deadspin and although I am pretty sure it is a joke, it is still amazing at how bizarre, yet creepy it is. Can anyone explain to me what is going on?
WWW.URJERRYGAME.BLOGSPOT.COM
Friday, January 30, 2009
"National League Prediction Show" starring Lenny Dykstra
Predicting the Future is a lot like pissing when you’re drunk. Usually, you are confident at the beginning, but towards the end, you start to stutter. However, these are my National League predictions for the upcoming 2009 season…….American League is soon to follow.
p.s. I think I have founded a new term. When you go to the restroom and someone asks if you are taking a “#1” or a “#2”, what if you actually had to do both, wouldn’t that mean you were taking a “#3”?
NL Manager of the Year:
Lou Pinella
(I’m not a Cubs fan)Basically, this is a matter of substance. This team is just so good this year. Believe it or not, I’m actually picking them to win the pennant, but lose in the Series.
NL Most Valuable Player:
Hanley Ramirez, SS, Marlins
Not that he hasn’t already proven himself, but THIS is the year he absolutely nuts himself like a Jewish wiener on ecstasy.NL CY Young Winner:
Johan Santana (First off, let it be known that I have a “Johan Fetish")
After compiling innings in his first two years like Britney Spears gulps down losers' sperm, Timmy Lincecum throws his arm out of socket and Johan produces beyond belief in his second season in the inferior National League.
NL Rookie of the Year:
Tie.
Pablo “Not a Traditional Mexican Cuisine” Sandoval, 1b, 2b, C, Giants
And
Colby Rasmus, CF, Cardinals (the future Sizemore)
NL Rookie Pitcher of the Year:
James McDonald, RHP, Dodgers
In four appearances last year, the future Doc Gooden didn’t allow a single run. If you've never seen this guy, you will wish you had come late July when you're spending Sunday afternoon drinking beer in the bathtub, fingers crossed, hoping Brian Bannister holds on for the win you desperately need.
NL Division Winners:
EAST - Phillies
CENTRAL - Cubs
WEST - Dodgers
NL Wild Card Team: Florida Marlins
NL Champion: Chicago Freakin’ Cubs. Old McDonald had a farm and Soriano was his name-o.
“Brenda Warner Loses The Business”
Remember when you thought about Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda, you would instantly picture Corey Feldman from the late 80’s and your dick would hide like a slave on the underground railroad? Well, that image will be leaving your head, while a much improved Brenda Warner has decided to finally let the front of her hair catch up to the back of it. Plus, the George Clooney-like salt and pepper color has been changed to a “fuck me” blond. So today, in celebration of Brenda Warner’s Mullet Exile, we will review, in my opinion, the 5 best mullets of all time.
5. JOHN KRUK
Rustic and Greasy, a perfect combination, he looked like a duck hunter from Alabama lost in Philadelphia.
4. RANDY JOHNSON
The best mullet in all of MLB history. Apparently, 2% of his career strikeouts have been credited to “Mullet Distraction”.
3. Larry The Legend
The epitome of Southern Indiana. Larry was the sole reason Great Clips became so popular in Indiana, as thousands of mullet-hungry wanna-be Larry's swarmed the place demanding business in the front and more party in the back.
2. Uncle Jesse. The ultimate Full House mullet. Remember the pink bunny
wallpaper?1. I have no fucking idea who the hell this guy is, but there is no contest.
Maybe not a celebrity, but definitely the greatest mullet of all-time.P.S. Is this Dan Patrick?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
10 Rules For a Great Super Bowl Party
1. Sweatpants should be mandatory for all guests. (Zubaz pants count)
2. No "Ultra" beer.
3. Over 75% of the food should somehow consist of cheese.
4. Whenever a new guest walks in the door, the host shall not yell, "There he is!"
5. Farts should be encouraged
6. All female guests should be required to have "vintage Mrs. Warner" haircuts.
7. No hairspray or hair gel on male guests will be tolerated. This is a Super Bowl party, not a dance club.
8. At no time should any guest "pop their collar".
9. Harold Reynolds.
10. Less potato chips, but more Combos. Pepperoni pizza Combos are as underrated as Nikki Cox's rack of excellence.
"The Things I do for THREE Dollars"
I will do almost anything for money. In fact, there is a price for anything. I mean, I probably won't super glue my forehead to a dog's ass or drink a gallon of cardinal spunk, but today's offer at work was an easy decision for me. So when one of my co-workers offered me 2 dollars to let her rip nose hairs out of my nose with pliers, I didn't bite. But then she offered me three dollars and I couldn't resist. I mean, c'mon. Three dollars is over half of a 5 dollar footlong from Subway!
"THE SNUGGIE.........HOLY SHIT, THAT's RETARDED!"
Apparently, Spock used to love rocking THE SNUGGIE, just like this duesch bag.I'm sure everyone has seen this thing. You know, the ridiculous half blanket and half robe with a hood thing. I can't imagine wearing one of those things in the privacy of my own home, let alone wearing these matching cult costumes with my family to a sporting event. That scene in the infomercial where the family looks like a group of crazy Tibetan Monks giving each other high-fives is so creepy.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
"Drunken Word Association, Bitches!"
Although tonight is only a typical Wednesday, I have had my fair share of beers. It has snowed over a foot the last 24 hours and has made it basically impossible to do anything except drink beer and cook food. Wow, these Michelob Lights are going down smoother than Kendra Wilkinson’s sweet booty. Anyways, sometimes when I am slightly (a lot) intoxicated, I like to play a little word association game. Basically, I say the first 5 words that come to my head, write them down, look at those five words and write down the next 5 words that come to my mind. This process goes on until my ADHD takes over and I end up baking a pizza. By the way, It’s not delivery, It’s Digiornos. Here is a list of how this game went tonight. Actually, the more I think about it, what a narcissistic son of a bitch I am, thinking that the world actually cares what a drunk guy in Indianapolis slurs.
Butter Jenny Rocket Poop
Ham Sandwich Texas Weiner
Robo Cop Fred Savage
Happy Chinese Skunk Master
Everybody Hates Talking Wieners
Run Jump Fucking Midgets
Jellybean Rumors Terry Pendleton
Bathtub Circus Bottle Tit
Sid Bream Hates Women
My Butt Smells Fishy
And that is all I have to say about that.
2009 Fantasy Baseball SLEEPERS (For Nerds Only!)
Ian Stewart:
Which of these statements is true?
a.) Ian Stewart once sold latex underwear to nursing homes to make extra money in high school.
b.) Ian Stewart wipes standing up.
c.) Ian Stewart is a third baseman with possible second base eligibility for the Colorado Rockies that will shatter expectations this year.
TRICK QUESTION!
THEY'RE ALL CORRECT!
Ian Stewart is this year's very very poor man's Dustin Pedroia, except he is taller and has more pubic hair. Yes, Stewart's strikeout ratio is nastier than your underwear that was super glued to your ass for nearly 2 weeks, but he showed ALOT more patience down the stretch last year and is still pretty green. Based on the loaded bat he swung in August last year, I could seriously see Stewart reaching 20 homers and 10 stolen bases.
Pablo Sandoval:
If someone asked me about this guy last year, I'd have thought they were talking about a traditional Mexican cuisine generally served in the northern Mayan regions of Mexico. 18 months later, I'm drooling over this mammoth like the true fantasy baseball enchillada platter he is. Not only is the dude tipping the scales at a powerful 250 pounds, but he can play 3B, 1B, and catcher. Point blank, Pablo has the kind of multiple position flexibility that would make even Jenna Jameson jealous. Now don't go doing something retarded, like drafting Dan Uggla in the 4th round, but when the later rounds role around, see if this delicious Mexican dish is still on the menu.
Matt Wieters:
If sleeper baseball prospects were breakfast sandwiches, Mr. Wieters would be your Burger King Double Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Crossanwich at 3 a.m. after a long night of bar hopping. Sporting News has even gone as far as stating he could be "one of the top 5 catchers in all of baseball by mid season". Now, just like when one of my friends claimed he could fill two 20 oz. Mountain Dew bottles with piss while I was heading down Meridian Street to a Pacers game, that was a VERY bold statement. However, Wieters does have all the flavors of a fantasy baseball tortilla rolled up and ready to be dipped in hot sauce.
Matt LaPorta:
In only 2 years, Matt LaPorta, OF, Cleveland Indians, has gone from titty fucking hot Florida University sorority chicks to being drafted seventh overall by the Brewers in 2007 and hitting 12 homers in his first 30 games in the minors. When C.C. Fatbathia's strikeout-producing FUPA was dealt to Milwaukee last season, a major chunk of the deal revolved around LaPorta becoming an Indian. Unlike the Indians from the French and Indian War, these Indians apparently know what they're doing.
"Today's Workplace Bathroom Reading Top Ten"
I have a problem. I physically cannot poop without reading material. In fact, the first thing I do at work each morning is hop on the internet and quickly print out a bunch of crap to read. I don't really care what it is about, just as long as it gets me through the dump. I shove the pages into my back pocket and whip them out whenever I hit the john. These pages, as well as the assortment of magazines hidden underneath the extra toilet paper rolls, gives me quite an array of bathroom conversation topics.
The list below is the top ten "pooping insights" from today's numerous trips to the potty.
10. In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
9. Philadelphia 76ers forward, Thadeus Young, admits he spends too much money on underwear.
8. Since 1991 in the NFL, a team has started 0-7 eighteen times.
7. The Cincinnati Bengals make up for 5 of those teams.
6. PETA has sent a letter to Shane Victorino, asking him to stop eating SPAM.
5. A high school football coach in Chelsea, MA is accused of spending money set aside for uniforms at a strip club.
4. The Raiders have only won 7 road games since 2003.
3. Nick Saban is the only Division I coach to have won a national championship, switch schools, and then defeat his former team on their home field.
2. Panthers punter, Todd Sauerbrun was busted last year for using a banned performance- enhancing drug.
1. Marshall Faulk suffers from hyperhidrosis, a condition that causes him to sweat in such excessive amounts that he is forced to wear diapers underneath his armpits.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
"UFC Champion or Fierce Child Molester?"
I always knew there was something about Chuck that screamed child testicles......
"Greg Oden's No Pants Dance Party"
This is something I saw on Deadspin last year, but happened to see it again and couldn't help myself. Every time I look at the sheer determination in the big ape's eyes, I can truly see how hard he is focusing on his "fly" dance moves. At least Gregory kept his pants on.
"Imagine How Homo-erotic Cuban's Championship Party WOULD be if they Ever Won a Title?
As queer as this picture is, the first thing that I actually thought was, "Holy Shit. Look how fucking bombed out of his mind Dirk Nowitzki is!". They must have had a hefty tab at dinner, cause those sissies only drink wine and it would take alot of Merlot to knock that big German/Ogre on his ass.
"Football was apparently Tom Brady's second career choice....."
Don't ask me how or why I found this picture. It is up to me how I spend my time, but isn't that little turd on the right Mr. Thomas Brady? 20 bucks says he still has the outfit in his closet.
"Why I Need to Visit Bradley"
There are times in your life when you need Stanley Kahn. There are times in your life when all you really want is a microwaveable burrito and a glass of milk. But there will NEVER be a time when I stop questioning what the hell is going on at Bradley University. I'll admit, I've never been there, but a summer road trip may be necessary after seeing what their basketball team is up to these days. Just imagine what the women's field hockey has up their sleeves (or skirts)!
Monday, January 26, 2009
"A-Fraud is apparently just like Wooderson: I keep gettin' older, but they keep stayin' the same age."
I must admit that I found this picture from today's Deadspin.com, but seriously? This guy is just plain weird. First, he marries a chick that is not that hot (obviously, he could bang any chick he wanted). Secondly, he divorces her and begins seeing crusty Madonna. Next, Torre claims he was "obsessed with Jeter". Lastly, pictures like this appear. However, is it just me, or is this the hottest group of sorirty ladies he could find? And what the hell is the dude behind him actually doing to A-Rod's butt?
I HAVE to meet the dude that approved this fucking movie!"
Space Buddies? Holy Shit. Have you seen the promo yet for this thing. I love a puppy as much as anybody and I even watch cartoons on Saturday morning, but subjecting yourself to over 90 minutes of watching "puppies sent to space in order to save the world" is ridiculous. Since seeing this promo, I have learned who the mastermind behind this jackass project is: Director Robert Vince.
Dear Robert Vince:
please cut your nuts off and paint them lavender, you turd.
Is that puppy in the middle wearing glasses?
Stripper Calls out my Fake-Laywer-Ass bluff......
“The Stripper Says, “You Got What On Your LSAT’s!??”
It always seems like I find myself in the most uncomfortable, yet perfectly avoidable situations. Well one of these such events occurred at a local strip club a few years ago after a Jimmy Buffet concert. Anyways, usually whenever I am encountered by strangers after a fair amount of adult beverages I turn my life into a true movie. I become whoever I want and say I do whatever I want. During a routine lap dance at this club, the stripper asked me what I did for a living. I responded by telling her that I was in law school at IUPUI. However, Out of all the fucking strippers that I could have gotten a lap dance from that night, I chose the one that was paying her way through law school…..from IUPUI! As my chode began to sweat profusely with nervousness, she asked me what I got on the LSAT’s? Of course, I had no fucking idea what the total possible score was on those damn tests, so I stupidly replied with a vehement, “1450!”. You should have seen the look of shame in her eyes as she explained to me that the LSAT’s were out of a possible score of 180. Needless to say, THAT was the most uncomfortable lap dance of my life.
Dr. H's Newest Gangsta Hit: "Subway Sauce Attack"
Well, the most badass, hard-core gangsta representin' from the deadly streets of suburban Indianapolis, known as Dr. H, has released his newest single, "Subway Sauce attack". Everyone on the block knows The Doctor loves poppin' them bottles of Chipotle all over the place! Holla Holla Bitches! Although the music video is said to not be available for a few weeks, Dr. H will be accepting ideas for the upcoming gangsta film.
"Your Guide to Sneaking in a Workout on the Clock at Work"
“Your Guide to Sneaking in a Workout Program On the Clock at Work”
Something all of you should know about me first. I HATE wasting time outside of work doing almost ANYTHING that doesn’t consist of things I actually enjoy, such as pissing on my homemade Phillip Rivers voo-doo doll or Google-ing “boobs” on the internet. Although you will never catch me engrossed in the new copy of Muscle Fitness Magazine or buying mass muscle building protein shakes at GNC, I do like to lift a few weights to stay in shape. The problem with my workout routine was that I would always skip a day here and there because I hated the thought of stopping at the gym on my way home from work. I’d always think to myself, “God. If only I could workout at work.” Working at a veterinary hospital, I was in the storage room one day and saw several large containers of laundry detergent and my mind got the best of me. Next thing I know, I was closing the doors to the back kennel room and doing triceps extensions and bicep curls with the with two large containers of laundry detergent. It might sound crazy (o.k. it is ridiculous) but although nobody is going to be able to become Mr. Universe working out with commercial-sized Tide containers, I actually was able to get a pretty good workout in throughout the day. The key is to do a set here and there without the other employees wondering where you are. Now I know not everyone else has access to economy-sized laundry detergent containers, but I’m sure you could find something, and if you have one of those “1-person” bathrooms, you’re good. Simply put a couple heavy containers of something or even weights (just act like you have no idea what the hell they were doing there if someone finds them) and disappear to the bathroom several times a day for some curls or shoulder presses. The picture to your left is an example of proper form for Laundry Detergent Shoulder Presses.
Comcast, Bluetooth Headsets, a Man, and a Plan.....
“NO BLUETOOTH BITCHES!”
As many of you already know, I despise the use of hands-free cellular phone headsets almost as much as I hate my penis at 3 in the morning after an all-night drinking escapade. Well, today I found myself in a predicament at work that actually might have been an instance that I could see a Bluetooth headset coming in handy. However, I REFUSE to subject to the power of the C.D.C (Cellular Deuschbag Committee). While I was working today, I was spending some time on my cellular phone trying to get ahold of the capitalist monopolizing sons of bitches known as Comcast, but the hold times were ridiculous. I was trying to actually dispute a bill, and I swear to god that once you let them know you are questioning a bill or cancelling your service, they instantly just place you on hold without any intention to ever actually answer the phone and assist you. Comcast’s goal: leave em’ on hold long enough and they’ll just give up. That might work for some people, but NOT Dr. H. So I did the most logical thing I could thing of. I taped my phone to the side of my head with Scotch tape and continued my day at work for the next hour until the little shitheads answered my call. Yes, I got some really strange looks at me from fellow employees, but that was a minor price to pay for beating the Comcast tradition of fucking its customers up the butt.
This is a picture of how ridiculous I looked today at work wearing my “Bluetooth Cellular Headset: Scotch Tape Edition”
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Top Ten January 26, 2009
10. So I just saw a promo for this new “Homeland Security U.S.A”. If you haven’t heard of it, it is basically a reality show that follows around members of our Homeland Security division. What a great idea, right? Let’s show everyone on national television how we go about trying to stop terrorists, that way terrorists around the world can find loopholes in the system and learn from others’ mistakes.
9. It is pretty cool how many pretty good NBA players are form Indianapolis.
George Hill, Greg Oden, Eric Gordon, Courtney Lee, Josh McRoberts (Ok, I use the term “good” very loosely), Mike Conley, Rodney Carney
Not too bad.
8. I wonder who fucked whose organization the most?
Ron Artest single handily ruining the Pacers franchise with a trip into the stands or Kelvin Sampson’s fetish with cellular phone calls sabotaging Indiana’s future.
7. I HATE when Kobe Bryant does that thing where he pushes his lips together and pushes them out. Remember that press conference he had to discuss how he banged that school girl in Colorado? The dude did that lip thing nearly 300 times.
6. Have you ever popped open a bottle of Heinekan? Next time you try it, take a big whiff, it smells EXACTLY like freshly prepared Grade-a marijuana.
5. Why is it that left-handed athletes, no matter what the sport, always look so much smoother?
4. My fiancee’ is always telling me that dragging the spare bedroom’s mattress downstairs to the living room and putting it directly in front of the television is stupid. I’ll tell you what stupid is. Stupid is NOT dragging your spare bedroom’s mattress in front of the big screen and spending the next 8 hours watching StatTracker, drinking beer, and geing covered in fleece blankets just because “normal“ people say it is stupid. THAT would be stupid.
3. I have a dream (read in a voice and manner similar to MLK). That one day, I will be able to have a room without carpet or wood floors. No linoleum and no tiles. Just beds. Seriously, how cool would it be to have a room that is completely floored with mattresses? Basically, no matter what you did, you’d be doing it in bed and everyone knows that anything done in better is better…..except crapping.
2. How weird would it have been if hundreds of years ago, men had named different things with different names? What if steak had been called penis, dinner had been called shit, shower had been named poop, and shave had been called molest..
Think about it. This would be a perfectly normal sentence:
“The penis tonight was the best shit I’ve ever had. Today, I’m going to poop and molest at the same time.
1. Holy Shit. Jeff Van Gundy is a fucking retarded piece of shit. I’m watching the Spurs/Lakers game on ABC and Van Gundy just said he would rather have Anderson Varejeo as his center than Chris Bosh on the East All Star team. However, ABC made up for Van Gundy’s idiotic jargon when Mark Jackson responded by calling Jeff a “weirdo“.
9. It is pretty cool how many pretty good NBA players are form Indianapolis.
George Hill, Greg Oden, Eric Gordon, Courtney Lee, Josh McRoberts (Ok, I use the term “good” very loosely), Mike Conley, Rodney Carney
Not too bad.
8. I wonder who fucked whose organization the most?
Ron Artest single handily ruining the Pacers franchise with a trip into the stands or Kelvin Sampson’s fetish with cellular phone calls sabotaging Indiana’s future.
7. I HATE when Kobe Bryant does that thing where he pushes his lips together and pushes them out. Remember that press conference he had to discuss how he banged that school girl in Colorado? The dude did that lip thing nearly 300 times.
6. Have you ever popped open a bottle of Heinekan? Next time you try it, take a big whiff, it smells EXACTLY like freshly prepared Grade-a marijuana.
5. Why is it that left-handed athletes, no matter what the sport, always look so much smoother?
4. My fiancee’ is always telling me that dragging the spare bedroom’s mattress downstairs to the living room and putting it directly in front of the television is stupid. I’ll tell you what stupid is. Stupid is NOT dragging your spare bedroom’s mattress in front of the big screen and spending the next 8 hours watching StatTracker, drinking beer, and geing covered in fleece blankets just because “normal“ people say it is stupid. THAT would be stupid.
3. I have a dream (read in a voice and manner similar to MLK). That one day, I will be able to have a room without carpet or wood floors. No linoleum and no tiles. Just beds. Seriously, how cool would it be to have a room that is completely floored with mattresses? Basically, no matter what you did, you’d be doing it in bed and everyone knows that anything done in better is better…..except crapping.
2. How weird would it have been if hundreds of years ago, men had named different things with different names? What if steak had been called penis, dinner had been called shit, shower had been named poop, and shave had been called molest..
Think about it. This would be a perfectly normal sentence:
“The penis tonight was the best shit I’ve ever had. Today, I’m going to poop and molest at the same time.
1. Holy Shit. Jeff Van Gundy is a fucking retarded piece of shit. I’m watching the Spurs/Lakers game on ABC and Van Gundy just said he would rather have Anderson Varejeo as his center than Chris Bosh on the East All Star team. However, ABC made up for Van Gundy’s idiotic jargon when Mark Jackson responded by calling Jeff a “weirdo“.
Top Ten Jan. 25, 2009
Well folks, it is a lazy Saturday early afternoon or late morning. I have nothing to do all day, so today’s top ten will be different. I’ll be combining my two favorite things in life: harassing QVC and sloppin’ chipotle from my sloppy Subway sandwich all down my chest. Today’s top ten will consist of highlights from my date with QVC.
10. This dike in a maroon turtle neck just said something ridiculous. I quote:
“I need to confess something to everyone. This will be the only time you will ever be able to get this necklace for the rest of your life. In fact, you only have til noon.”
The way that bitch looked at me through the TV, I seriously contemplated ordering it, because she made me think I would drop dead at noon if I didn’t.
9. Some red headed tool with a faggoty grin, trying to sell a scarf, just said “Get r’ Done!” He thought it was the funniest thing ever and giggled like a horny china girl looking at Visanthe Shiancoe’s schlong for the first time.
8. Supposedly Air Traffic controllers have the highest percentage of suicides in America among all other careers. I beg to differ. All QVC employees must want to kill themselves. Think about it, you have to fake smile, act like a complete fruit loop, lie about products, act waaaayyyy too enthusiastic on every occasion, and talk to people that are telling you about some gay portable light switch they just bought, but you have to act like they are telling you the best story of all-time. I bet the guys just go home, get plastered, and piss in their own faces. I would.
7. Just tried for the first time this afternoon to attempt to an on-air testimonial about “item #J50017 Colors of Gold textured Oval Hoop Earrings“. The problem is that you have to convince the operator to put you through. Unfortunately, Rashida thought I was really rude when I demanded to tell Kathy about how nice the ear rings I just bought will look on my love muscle.
6. 2 minutes later………
Called QVC back and dialed Rashida’s extension and when she answered the phone I just breathed heavily, yelled “love muscle!”, and hung up.
Note: Apparently today was “Real Gold” day where all they did was sell jewelry. I can’t take it any longer, so the rest of today’s list will be random thoughts about anything.
5. I hate it when it looks nice and sunny outside from the window, but you find out it is just a tease as you step outside and have half your face shrivel up and crack like octogenarian dick from the fucking cold, harsh wind.
4. I like dogs as much as anyone, but why the fuck does Buffalo Wild Wings insist on having it on their TV just because it is on ESPN? They might serve my favorite wings and a damn good cold brew, but who the hell is running this shit? Last time I was in their, they had dog agility championships, the running network, and a women’s college basketball game on.
3. Guarding Catt in basketball is horrible. It is like trying to guard an ox covered in seal skin from all the sweat. Catt might not stuff the stat sheet, but the kid sure can do the dirty work and take some boys out along the way.
2. Denise Austin is still hot. I don’t care what any of you say, but I want those Buns of Steel. However, Diane Lane is my absolute favorite older lady in the world. I’d love for her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich and let me eat it off her ass.
1. I’m really disappointed in the direction the Free Credit Report commercials have gone lately. They took the greatest 30 second song ever and tried to tweak it too much. You don’t mess with perfection.
10. This dike in a maroon turtle neck just said something ridiculous. I quote:
“I need to confess something to everyone. This will be the only time you will ever be able to get this necklace for the rest of your life. In fact, you only have til noon.”
The way that bitch looked at me through the TV, I seriously contemplated ordering it, because she made me think I would drop dead at noon if I didn’t.
9. Some red headed tool with a faggoty grin, trying to sell a scarf, just said “Get r’ Done!” He thought it was the funniest thing ever and giggled like a horny china girl looking at Visanthe Shiancoe’s schlong for the first time.
8. Supposedly Air Traffic controllers have the highest percentage of suicides in America among all other careers. I beg to differ. All QVC employees must want to kill themselves. Think about it, you have to fake smile, act like a complete fruit loop, lie about products, act waaaayyyy too enthusiastic on every occasion, and talk to people that are telling you about some gay portable light switch they just bought, but you have to act like they are telling you the best story of all-time. I bet the guys just go home, get plastered, and piss in their own faces. I would.
7. Just tried for the first time this afternoon to attempt to an on-air testimonial about “item #J50017 Colors of Gold textured Oval Hoop Earrings“. The problem is that you have to convince the operator to put you through. Unfortunately, Rashida thought I was really rude when I demanded to tell Kathy about how nice the ear rings I just bought will look on my love muscle.
6. 2 minutes later………
Called QVC back and dialed Rashida’s extension and when she answered the phone I just breathed heavily, yelled “love muscle!”, and hung up.
Note: Apparently today was “Real Gold” day where all they did was sell jewelry. I can’t take it any longer, so the rest of today’s list will be random thoughts about anything.
5. I hate it when it looks nice and sunny outside from the window, but you find out it is just a tease as you step outside and have half your face shrivel up and crack like octogenarian dick from the fucking cold, harsh wind.
4. I like dogs as much as anyone, but why the fuck does Buffalo Wild Wings insist on having it on their TV just because it is on ESPN? They might serve my favorite wings and a damn good cold brew, but who the hell is running this shit? Last time I was in their, they had dog agility championships, the running network, and a women’s college basketball game on.
3. Guarding Catt in basketball is horrible. It is like trying to guard an ox covered in seal skin from all the sweat. Catt might not stuff the stat sheet, but the kid sure can do the dirty work and take some boys out along the way.
2. Denise Austin is still hot. I don’t care what any of you say, but I want those Buns of Steel. However, Diane Lane is my absolute favorite older lady in the world. I’d love for her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich and let me eat it off her ass.
1. I’m really disappointed in the direction the Free Credit Report commercials have gone lately. They took the greatest 30 second song ever and tried to tweak it too much. You don’t mess with perfection.
Top Ten Jan. 24, 2009
10. Oklahoma City Thunder? C’mon. I thought only WNBA teams were supposed to have stupid singular mascot names. You know, The Spark, The Liberty, The Discharging Vagina.
9. Pat Summit has a set of testicles.
8. About 75 percent of my restroom breaks at work do not consist of pooping or peeing. I just sit in there and read or stare at the wall.
7. Have you ever had to have a meeting at school with your Principal and Mother (Who also happens to teach at the school) in order to listen to a confiscated tape recorder that was mostly filled with dialogue such as, “There are no dumbbells here, just my balls baby, spank em” or “We are not working out, we are definitely fucking”?……………….I have.
6. J.O. must be shitting his pants with excitement about the trade rumors sending him to Miami. He gets to leave Canada and go to Miami? That is like going from eating poop to eating supermodel pussy.
5. I absolutely hate marshmallow arms. You know the, the fat guy that thinks his fat arms are muscles and insists on wearing cut offs in order to show off his barbed wire or tribal tattoos?
4. Speaking of tattoos. If you have gotten a barbed wire or tribal tattoo in the last three years, you are a tool. Chinese symbols are getting their quickly as well.
3. When a woman tells you that she isn’t wearing any underwear, it might not be just because she is trying to be sexy. She might have actually accidentally shit herself and had to throw away the underwear.
2. I stood up to wipe my ass until I was 13 years old.
1. I HATE the guy at the gym that is always asking to “work in” with you. Yes I mind and I also don’t appreciate you humiliating me by adding a hundred fucking pounds each set. You know what else? Lose the milk jug filled with water that you are carrying around the weight room by a fucking rope and use the damn water fountain like normal people.
9. Pat Summit has a set of testicles.
8. About 75 percent of my restroom breaks at work do not consist of pooping or peeing. I just sit in there and read or stare at the wall.
7. Have you ever had to have a meeting at school with your Principal and Mother (Who also happens to teach at the school) in order to listen to a confiscated tape recorder that was mostly filled with dialogue such as, “There are no dumbbells here, just my balls baby, spank em” or “We are not working out, we are definitely fucking”?……………….I have.
6. J.O. must be shitting his pants with excitement about the trade rumors sending him to Miami. He gets to leave Canada and go to Miami? That is like going from eating poop to eating supermodel pussy.
5. I absolutely hate marshmallow arms. You know the, the fat guy that thinks his fat arms are muscles and insists on wearing cut offs in order to show off his barbed wire or tribal tattoos?
4. Speaking of tattoos. If you have gotten a barbed wire or tribal tattoo in the last three years, you are a tool. Chinese symbols are getting their quickly as well.
3. When a woman tells you that she isn’t wearing any underwear, it might not be just because she is trying to be sexy. She might have actually accidentally shit herself and had to throw away the underwear.
2. I stood up to wipe my ass until I was 13 years old.
1. I HATE the guy at the gym that is always asking to “work in” with you. Yes I mind and I also don’t appreciate you humiliating me by adding a hundred fucking pounds each set. You know what else? Lose the milk jug filled with water that you are carrying around the weight room by a fucking rope and use the damn water fountain like normal people.
Top Ten Jan. 23, 2009
10. What the hell is with the people that are always wearing workout clothes? Since when did dropping the kids off at day care or going grocery shopping become an aerobic activity requiring a jump suit? Maybe they're just worried. You never know when a game of kick ball could break out.
9. I'm not a racist. I swear. But I shouldn't have to press "1" for English. They should have to press something for Spanish.
8. I wish you always paid the bill before you ate or drank something at restaurants. I hate having to fork up cash for something that i don't want, need, or have anymore. You always pay the hooker BEFORE you have sex with her in female/male chipmunk costumes, right?
7. When I get really old, I'm going to drink, drive and steal everything. Cops and other drivers won't suspect me of being drunk, because all old people suck balls at driving and they won't smell it on your breath, since all old people's breath smells like the moisture between Matt Milton's upper thigh and hairy, left testicle and coffee. Secondly, I 'm stealing everything. If I get caught, i'll just act confused. It must suck enough watching your dick shrivel up like a baked pepperoni, the least we can do is give them a few perks.
6. I am going to ask you a ridiculous question and whether you like to admit it, you will have an answer in your head. There is always an answer to every question.
Would you rather have a non-functioning weiner on your forehead or only have one leg?
Yes, not being able to play sports or walk would suck, but i have a hard time picturing myself picking up chicks with a flacid cock dangling between my eyes.
5. If our economy is so bad right now, explain to me how the WNBA is still around.
4. You know how blind people that were born blind have never seen anything? Then what happens when they dream? If they have never seen anything, they wouldn't be able to picture anything in their heads, so what the hell would a dream for them be like?
3. Exactly 59 days from now, my ass will be cemented to a bar stool at O.P.T's, smelling the warm open-air breeze, dripping hot sauce from my pizza on my sandals, cold beer in hand, and staring lustfully at the MLB TV Gamecast on the television......Ahhhhh spring is coming.
2. If Yao Ming's last name is Ming, then why do they put his first name on the back of his jersey?
1. Local sports radio shows need to seriously consider canceling the practice of taking calls from their listeners. It is painful to listen to their worthless insight.
Dear Joe from Southport:
longtime tool, first time faggot
Nobody gives a fuck about what you think the Colts should do on defense. Mike Dunleavy isn't a point guard. He's 6'9'' you idiot. And we could give two shits about your worthless ideas for the Colts defensive schemes. You don't even know what a 3-4 defense is and you weren't any good at football in high school either. Go get your mullet trimmed at Great Clips and leave the sports talk to people that actually have valid thoughts.
9. I'm not a racist. I swear. But I shouldn't have to press "1" for English. They should have to press something for Spanish.
8. I wish you always paid the bill before you ate or drank something at restaurants. I hate having to fork up cash for something that i don't want, need, or have anymore. You always pay the hooker BEFORE you have sex with her in female/male chipmunk costumes, right?
7. When I get really old, I'm going to drink, drive and steal everything. Cops and other drivers won't suspect me of being drunk, because all old people suck balls at driving and they won't smell it on your breath, since all old people's breath smells like the moisture between Matt Milton's upper thigh and hairy, left testicle and coffee. Secondly, I 'm stealing everything. If I get caught, i'll just act confused. It must suck enough watching your dick shrivel up like a baked pepperoni, the least we can do is give them a few perks.
6. I am going to ask you a ridiculous question and whether you like to admit it, you will have an answer in your head. There is always an answer to every question.
Would you rather have a non-functioning weiner on your forehead or only have one leg?
Yes, not being able to play sports or walk would suck, but i have a hard time picturing myself picking up chicks with a flacid cock dangling between my eyes.
5. If our economy is so bad right now, explain to me how the WNBA is still around.
4. You know how blind people that were born blind have never seen anything? Then what happens when they dream? If they have never seen anything, they wouldn't be able to picture anything in their heads, so what the hell would a dream for them be like?
3. Exactly 59 days from now, my ass will be cemented to a bar stool at O.P.T's, smelling the warm open-air breeze, dripping hot sauce from my pizza on my sandals, cold beer in hand, and staring lustfully at the MLB TV Gamecast on the television......Ahhhhh spring is coming.
2. If Yao Ming's last name is Ming, then why do they put his first name on the back of his jersey?
1. Local sports radio shows need to seriously consider canceling the practice of taking calls from their listeners. It is painful to listen to their worthless insight.
Dear Joe from Southport:
longtime tool, first time faggot
Nobody gives a fuck about what you think the Colts should do on defense. Mike Dunleavy isn't a point guard. He's 6'9'' you idiot. And we could give two shits about your worthless ideas for the Colts defensive schemes. You don't even know what a 3-4 defense is and you weren't any good at football in high school either. Go get your mullet trimmed at Great Clips and leave the sports talk to people that actually have valid thoughts.
Top Ten Jan. 22, 2009
10. What the hell is with the people that are always wearing workout clothes? Since when did dropping the kids off at day care or going grocery shopping become an aerobic activity requiring a jump suit? Maybe they're just worried. You never know when a game of kick ball could break out.
9. I'm not a racist. I swear. But I shouldn't have to press "1" for English. They should have to press something for Spanish.
8. I wish you always paid the bill before you ate or drank something at restaurants. I hate having to fork up cash for something that i don't want, need, or have anymore. You always pay the hooker BEFORE you have sex with her in female/male chipmunk costumes, right?
7. When I get really old, I'm going to drink, drive and steal everything. Cops and other drivers won't suspect me of being drunk, because all old people suck balls at driving and they won't smell it on your breath, since all old people's breath smells like the moisture between Matt Milton's upper thigh and hairy, left testicle and coffee. Secondly, I 'm stealing everything. If I get caught, i'll just act confused. It must suck enough watching your dick shrivel up like a baked pepperoni, the least we can do is give them a few perks.
6. I am going to ask you a ridiculous question and whether you like to admit it, you will have an answer in your head. There is always an answer to every question.
Would you rather have a non-functioning weiner on your forehead or only have one leg?
Yes, not being able to play sports or walk would suck, but i have a hard time picturing myself picking up chicks with a flacid cock dangling between my eyes.
5. If our economy is so bad right now, explain to me how the WNBA is still around.
4. You know how blind people that were born blind have never seen anything? Then what happens when they dream? If they have never seen anything, they wouldn't be able to picture anything in their heads, so what the hell would a dream for them be like?
3. Exactly 59 days from now, my ass will be cemented to a bar stool at O.P.T's, smelling the warm open-air breeze, dripping hot sauce from my pizza on my sandals, cold beer in hand, and staring lustfully at the MLB TV Gamecast on the television......Ahhhhh spring is coming.
2. If Yao Ming's last name is Ming, then why do they put his first name on the back of his jersey?
1. Local sports radio shows need to seriously consider canceling the practice of taking calls from their listeners. It is painful to listen to their worthless insight.
Dear Joe from Southport:
longtime tool, first time faggot
Nobody gives a fuck about what you think the Colts should do on defense. Mike Dunleavy isn't a point guard. He's 6'9'' you idiot. And we could give two shits about your worthless ideas for the Colts defensive schemes. You don't even know what a 3-4 defense is and you weren't any good at football in high school either. Go get your mullet trimmed at Great Clips and leave the sports talk to people that actually have valid thoughts.
9. I'm not a racist. I swear. But I shouldn't have to press "1" for English. They should have to press something for Spanish.
8. I wish you always paid the bill before you ate or drank something at restaurants. I hate having to fork up cash for something that i don't want, need, or have anymore. You always pay the hooker BEFORE you have sex with her in female/male chipmunk costumes, right?
7. When I get really old, I'm going to drink, drive and steal everything. Cops and other drivers won't suspect me of being drunk, because all old people suck balls at driving and they won't smell it on your breath, since all old people's breath smells like the moisture between Matt Milton's upper thigh and hairy, left testicle and coffee. Secondly, I 'm stealing everything. If I get caught, i'll just act confused. It must suck enough watching your dick shrivel up like a baked pepperoni, the least we can do is give them a few perks.
6. I am going to ask you a ridiculous question and whether you like to admit it, you will have an answer in your head. There is always an answer to every question.
Would you rather have a non-functioning weiner on your forehead or only have one leg?
Yes, not being able to play sports or walk would suck, but i have a hard time picturing myself picking up chicks with a flacid cock dangling between my eyes.
5. If our economy is so bad right now, explain to me how the WNBA is still around.
4. You know how blind people that were born blind have never seen anything? Then what happens when they dream? If they have never seen anything, they wouldn't be able to picture anything in their heads, so what the hell would a dream for them be like?
3. Exactly 59 days from now, my ass will be cemented to a bar stool at O.P.T's, smelling the warm open-air breeze, dripping hot sauce from my pizza on my sandals, cold beer in hand, and staring lustfully at the MLB TV Gamecast on the television......Ahhhhh spring is coming.
2. If Yao Ming's last name is Ming, then why do they put his first name on the back of his jersey?
1. Local sports radio shows need to seriously consider canceling the practice of taking calls from their listeners. It is painful to listen to their worthless insight.
Dear Joe from Southport:
longtime tool, first time faggot
Nobody gives a fuck about what you think the Colts should do on defense. Mike Dunleavy isn't a point guard. He's 6'9'' you idiot. And we could give two shits about your worthless ideas for the Colts defensive schemes. You don't even know what a 3-4 defense is and you weren't any good at football in high school either. Go get your mullet trimmed at Great Clips and leave the sports talk to people that actually have valid thoughts.
Top Ten Jan. 21, 2009
10. I realized last night I have a trading problem. Out of shear boredom, I called Beck and spent the next hour working out a fantasy basketball deal so I could accquire Russell Westbrook. The scary part is, one of the players I traded was someone I had just traded for the week before and the other player I traded was a player I had traded away the first week of the season, only to trade back for him 3 days ago and then send him packing again. When I get bored, I trade fantasy players. When most guys get bored they masturbate or play X-Box.
9. Am i too old to wear those shoes with the wheels on the bottom? I wonder if they even make sizes big enough for me. Maybe they didn't intend their target audience to be a 26 year old guy looking for an edge at the grocery store.
8. Energy drinks don't work. It is just a placebo effect. However, 5 Hour Energy really does the trick. Too many B Vitamins can't be a bad thing right?.......hmm. now that i think about it, my urine has been especially bright and smelly.
7. I wish they made energy drinks with adderrall. Can you imagine???
.....o.k. nevermind.
6. How many fucking more games can the Pacers lose in the last few seconds. This has to be a god damn joke. It honestly has to be some kind of record, right?
5. Turnovers in fantasy basketball are actually a good thing. In theory, more turnovers generally imply a greater number of minutes played, which leads to an increase of chances to contribute to the other 8 categories. In fact, the top 7 teams in total turnovers in our fantasy basketball league are also the top seven teams in the overall standings.
4. I heard today from a doctor at work that his buddies get together once a month for what they call a "Depends Party". Basically, they gather once a month to play poker, get shitfaced, and not get up to go to the restroom......seriously. I can't tell if I am intrigued or worried.
3. You know what I miss most about second grade? Well, besides school pizza and getting to wear sweatpants to school.....Puppy Chow. Does anybody's mom know how to make that delicious combination of Chex cereal, stuffed with chocolate and peanut butter, then covered in powdered sugar. I'd even turn a trick or two with Carrie Waggerman for a big bowl of puppy chow.
2. Golf was invented in Scotland. It was
entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden and that put the word GOLF into the vocabulary. Seriously. If that isn't proof that women need to quit fucking up our sport, then I don't know what is. I would never try to play a game of VAPOO (Vagina and Pussy Owners Only) if it existed.
Yehhhh! Nice shot Nancy. Maybe you can get a nine on this hole you fat old pussy. Now don't forget to keep your left arm completely straight, deccelerate on the downswing, and hold onto your cute hat that matches the fucking queer ass snowman sweater you're wearing, vagina face, and walk the 20 yards to your next shot, which will be followed by 6 straight 3 woods, totaling 125 yards.
1. Pardon the Interruption, But Tony Kornheiser is a tool.
9. Am i too old to wear those shoes with the wheels on the bottom? I wonder if they even make sizes big enough for me. Maybe they didn't intend their target audience to be a 26 year old guy looking for an edge at the grocery store.
8. Energy drinks don't work. It is just a placebo effect. However, 5 Hour Energy really does the trick. Too many B Vitamins can't be a bad thing right?.......hmm. now that i think about it, my urine has been especially bright and smelly.
7. I wish they made energy drinks with adderrall. Can you imagine???
.....o.k. nevermind.
6. How many fucking more games can the Pacers lose in the last few seconds. This has to be a god damn joke. It honestly has to be some kind of record, right?
5. Turnovers in fantasy basketball are actually a good thing. In theory, more turnovers generally imply a greater number of minutes played, which leads to an increase of chances to contribute to the other 8 categories. In fact, the top 7 teams in total turnovers in our fantasy basketball league are also the top seven teams in the overall standings.
4. I heard today from a doctor at work that his buddies get together once a month for what they call a "Depends Party". Basically, they gather once a month to play poker, get shitfaced, and not get up to go to the restroom......seriously. I can't tell if I am intrigued or worried.
3. You know what I miss most about second grade? Well, besides school pizza and getting to wear sweatpants to school.....Puppy Chow. Does anybody's mom know how to make that delicious combination of Chex cereal, stuffed with chocolate and peanut butter, then covered in powdered sugar. I'd even turn a trick or two with Carrie Waggerman for a big bowl of puppy chow.
2. Golf was invented in Scotland. It was
entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden and that put the word GOLF into the vocabulary. Seriously. If that isn't proof that women need to quit fucking up our sport, then I don't know what is. I would never try to play a game of VAPOO (Vagina and Pussy Owners Only) if it existed.
Yehhhh! Nice shot Nancy. Maybe you can get a nine on this hole you fat old pussy. Now don't forget to keep your left arm completely straight, deccelerate on the downswing, and hold onto your cute hat that matches the fucking queer ass snowman sweater you're wearing, vagina face, and walk the 20 yards to your next shot, which will be followed by 6 straight 3 woods, totaling 125 yards.
1. Pardon the Interruption, But Tony Kornheiser is a tool.
Top Ten Jan. 20, 2009
10. Just picked up the new 2009 Fantasy Baseball mag and turned to the second page and there I stared. Pictures of all 15 of the contributing editors' pictures were there and I realized something; this was the most ridiculous group of dorks and losers I have ever seen assembled at the same time, except the time when I watched The Roberson twins, Chris DeWitt, and David Simon play leapfrog. Then I realized something else; the number of nights I spent awake until 1 a.m., knowing damn well I had to be at work the next morning at 7 a.m., just to see if Jonathan Broxton got a save opportunity. You see where this is going.
9. Being long and lanky with enormous feet, I think it is pretty safe to say that I wont be winning any skiing championships. But I want to know if you can take a trip to a Ski Resort in Colorado and go sledding. Not trying to brag, but I used to get 18 inches easy off the ramps in Matt Davis' front yard.
8. Remember that ridiculous celebrity weiner website I listed yesterday? Here are my personal favorites.
Andre Agassi: "Agassi is tiny and shriveled - but so hairy".
Tom Hanks: "Had big lime-sized ones."
John Rocker's penis in the lockerroom: "It was huge! He walked around the locker room completely nude and that massive dick just swinging! He went to sit down on one of the benches in the locker room, and that cock hung over the edge!"
Anderson Cooper: More hearsay, but ..."long thin one"
7. First four words that come to my head…..
Long running Viking cheese
Next four words that come to my head…..
Sandy Alomar Jr. sushi pants
6. Me, Ron Gant, and Terry Pendleton used to get down on MLB 94' for Game Gear………those were the good ol' days.
5. Pablo Sandoval……An authentic Mexican breakfast cuisine or a promising young stud for the San Francisco Giants?
4. Mark Reynolds broke the National League records last year for both strikeouts AND errors.
3. Beer, cheese sauce, a cow, A1 sauce, chipotle sauce, a Playboy, lotion, tortilla chips, a dog, and vitamin water.
That is what I would bring to a deserted Island if I was only allowed 10 items.
2. I seriously worry about what will happen to the Colts' franchise when all of the fair weather fans realize that Peyton Manning can't play forever…….
1. http://www.survivinggrady.com/uploaded_images/gia-741429.jpg
Zach Greinke's girlfriend.
http://mlb.mlb.com/images/2007/06/10/3NIbBYOK.jpg
Johan Santana's wife and family.
Obviously life isn't rewarded by how good of a mlb pitcher you are…….what the hell is with the red head girl? Johan must've had a fling with Rose from the Golden Girls. Now that was some fine pu-tang.
9. Being long and lanky with enormous feet, I think it is pretty safe to say that I wont be winning any skiing championships. But I want to know if you can take a trip to a Ski Resort in Colorado and go sledding. Not trying to brag, but I used to get 18 inches easy off the ramps in Matt Davis' front yard.
8. Remember that ridiculous celebrity weiner website I listed yesterday? Here are my personal favorites.
Andre Agassi: "Agassi is tiny and shriveled - but so hairy".
Tom Hanks: "Had big lime-sized ones."
John Rocker's penis in the lockerroom: "It was huge! He walked around the locker room completely nude and that massive dick just swinging! He went to sit down on one of the benches in the locker room, and that cock hung over the edge!"
Anderson Cooper: More hearsay, but ..."long thin one"
7. First four words that come to my head…..
Long running Viking cheese
Next four words that come to my head…..
Sandy Alomar Jr. sushi pants
6. Me, Ron Gant, and Terry Pendleton used to get down on MLB 94' for Game Gear………those were the good ol' days.
5. Pablo Sandoval……An authentic Mexican breakfast cuisine or a promising young stud for the San Francisco Giants?
4. Mark Reynolds broke the National League records last year for both strikeouts AND errors.
3. Beer, cheese sauce, a cow, A1 sauce, chipotle sauce, a Playboy, lotion, tortilla chips, a dog, and vitamin water.
That is what I would bring to a deserted Island if I was only allowed 10 items.
2. I seriously worry about what will happen to the Colts' franchise when all of the fair weather fans realize that Peyton Manning can't play forever…….
1. http://www.survivinggrady.com/uploaded_images/gia-741429.jpg
Zach Greinke's girlfriend.
http://mlb.mlb.com/images/2007/06/10/3NIbBYOK.jpg
Johan Santana's wife and family.
Obviously life isn't rewarded by how good of a mlb pitcher you are…….what the hell is with the red head girl? Johan must've had a fling with Rose from the Golden Girls. Now that was some fine pu-tang.
Top Ten Jan. 19, 2009
10. Just learned Julius Peppers wants traded. Why on earth do I dream about the Colts signing him and moving Freeney to outside linebacker even though I know it would never happen?
9. I heard Jon Clayton has a rat tail. You actually never see the back of his neck. Could it be true?
8. From this day forward, I will call QVC once a night and demand to give my testimonial on air. When my wish is granted, I will stop calling them.
7. I wish I could do a “poo-poo dance” like my dog, Lexus, when I had completed the job……..Now that is pride.
6. Madden on the Wii is retarded. I’ve owned it for 2 weeks, and even on All-Madden, I win every game by 60 points. Point blank, I’m not especially good on any console, so this is definitely ridiculous.
5. Kareem Abdul Jabaar had 55 different 40 plus point games in his career. Ridiculous. And yes, I know Wilt had many more, but his didn’t count since he was the only black guy out there towering over everyone by 2 feet.
4. The Snuggy. If you’ve seen their ridiculous informercial you know what I’m talking about. The family wearing them at the sporting event seriously looks like a cult of creepy monks.
3. I might be behind the ball, but Nip/Tuck is fucking brilliant. What I would give to be Christian. Coke off of models’ asses? I’m game.
2. Apparently Tommy fucking LaSorda. Yes, the same fat fuck that used to manage the Dodgers and now just shows his rosacia-covered cheeks on diet infomercials. Well, apparently he is hung like a mutated Samoan Warrior. The exact phrase that was used was “like two coke cans stacked on top of each other”. If you need more, check this out. There’s some pretty good other material before and after it, including the now-infamous Florida University leg pooper.
http://deadspin.com/5132956/the-one-with-the-sorority-girl-w ith-the-poop-on-her-leg
1. Please. Do not ever ask me how I found this website.
If you ever wanted to know what your favorite fantasy baseball player’s weiner was like, chances are some broad has posted something about it on here.
http://www.bulgereport.com/
9. I heard Jon Clayton has a rat tail. You actually never see the back of his neck. Could it be true?
8. From this day forward, I will call QVC once a night and demand to give my testimonial on air. When my wish is granted, I will stop calling them.
7. I wish I could do a “poo-poo dance” like my dog, Lexus, when I had completed the job……..Now that is pride.
6. Madden on the Wii is retarded. I’ve owned it for 2 weeks, and even on All-Madden, I win every game by 60 points. Point blank, I’m not especially good on any console, so this is definitely ridiculous.
5. Kareem Abdul Jabaar had 55 different 40 plus point games in his career. Ridiculous. And yes, I know Wilt had many more, but his didn’t count since he was the only black guy out there towering over everyone by 2 feet.
4. The Snuggy. If you’ve seen their ridiculous informercial you know what I’m talking about. The family wearing them at the sporting event seriously looks like a cult of creepy monks.
3. I might be behind the ball, but Nip/Tuck is fucking brilliant. What I would give to be Christian. Coke off of models’ asses? I’m game.
2. Apparently Tommy fucking LaSorda. Yes, the same fat fuck that used to manage the Dodgers and now just shows his rosacia-covered cheeks on diet infomercials. Well, apparently he is hung like a mutated Samoan Warrior. The exact phrase that was used was “like two coke cans stacked on top of each other”. If you need more, check this out. There’s some pretty good other material before and after it, including the now-infamous Florida University leg pooper.
http://deadspin.com/5132956/the-one-with-the-sorority-girl-w ith-the-poop-on-her-leg
1. Please. Do not ever ask me how I found this website.
If you ever wanted to know what your favorite fantasy baseball player’s weiner was like, chances are some broad has posted something about it on here.
http://www.bulgereport.com/
Top Ten Jan. 18, 2009
10. It is 1:07 a.m. and I just called some hotline of a ‘jesus TV station. They claimed that you could donate 1,000 dollars and “plant a gospel seed”. So, I called their bluff and called. I told them I was a rich, spoiled brat with a CEO for a dad, that had thousands of dollars to donate, but I demanded to know what the definition of “planting a gospel seed” was. She explained to me that the thousand dollars would plant a seed in the name of the lord. I explained to her that that was a ridiculous answer and that they are essentially stealing money to do fake things that don't even exist. The operator was completely stunned and had no response……………I know this one was long, but think about how many fucking old people waste their money on this crap. You know damn well that the TV pastor is making 7 figures and pissing on hookers in the bathroom at Rams’ games.
9. Hooters’ wings actually aren’t very good
8. http://spartyandfriends.com/2009/01/16/the-next-piece-of-the -lebron-011809-puzzle-revealed/
It’d actually help Cleveland if it was real.
7. Family Guy. Wed. January 14, 2009.
(Peter and the guys are at the Drunken Clam looking at a porno magazine.)
Cleveland: “I’m no school administrator, but there is a school extension program going on in my pants.”
6. Hiccups suck. Seriously, why the hell do they happen and why are they so damn annoying?
5. Do guys on sex phone lines actually think the girls they are talking to look like the same ones that were on the TV commercials?
4. I apologize to all. Mehmet Okur is actually not the most underrated fantasy player. Randy Foye is.
3. I found this on Dictionary.com
What the hell?
poop
Poop\, n. [F. poupe; cf. Sp. & Pg. popa, It. poppa; all fr. L. puppis.] (Naut.) A deck raised above the after part of a vessel; the hindmost or after part of a vessel's hull; also, a cabin covered by such a deck. See Poop deck, under Deck. See also Roundhouse.
With wind in poop, the vessel plows the sea. --Dryden.
2. If anyone has EVER seen the Royal Spa commercial that shows two very fat people, most likely a guy and his wife, fully clothed and sitting in a hot tub without any water, you know what I mean. Neither of the couple make any facial expressions, while the salesman screams about hot tubs. Being an advertising major, I swear to god I called Royal Spa late one night and left a message on their answering machine, demanding to know what the hell was with the two miserable fat people in clothes in the hot tub. I saw this commercial 8 months ago, and to this day, I can’t figure out what the hell is going on.
1. The number one sleeper in fantasy baseball this year is………
Stephen Drew. He’ll end up as a top 4 shortstop.
Didn't Sexy have a little fling with him a couple years ago?
9. Hooters’ wings actually aren’t very good
8. http://spartyandfriends.com/2009/01/16/the-next-piece-of-the -lebron-011809-puzzle-revealed/
It’d actually help Cleveland if it was real.
7. Family Guy. Wed. January 14, 2009.
(Peter and the guys are at the Drunken Clam looking at a porno magazine.)
Cleveland: “I’m no school administrator, but there is a school extension program going on in my pants.”
6. Hiccups suck. Seriously, why the hell do they happen and why are they so damn annoying?
5. Do guys on sex phone lines actually think the girls they are talking to look like the same ones that were on the TV commercials?
4. I apologize to all. Mehmet Okur is actually not the most underrated fantasy player. Randy Foye is.
3. I found this on Dictionary.com
What the hell?
poop
Poop\, n. [F. poupe; cf. Sp. & Pg. popa, It. poppa; all fr. L. puppis.] (Naut.) A deck raised above the after part of a vessel; the hindmost or after part of a vessel's hull; also, a cabin covered by such a deck. See Poop deck, under Deck. See also Roundhouse.
With wind in poop, the vessel plows the sea. --Dryden.
2. If anyone has EVER seen the Royal Spa commercial that shows two very fat people, most likely a guy and his wife, fully clothed and sitting in a hot tub without any water, you know what I mean. Neither of the couple make any facial expressions, while the salesman screams about hot tubs. Being an advertising major, I swear to god I called Royal Spa late one night and left a message on their answering machine, demanding to know what the hell was with the two miserable fat people in clothes in the hot tub. I saw this commercial 8 months ago, and to this day, I can’t figure out what the hell is going on.
1. The number one sleeper in fantasy baseball this year is………
Stephen Drew. He’ll end up as a top 4 shortstop.
Didn't Sexy have a little fling with him a couple years ago?
Top Ten Jan. 17, 2009
10. At least one time per day, I dream about strolling up to the plate at Fenway Park on a brisk September night. Bases loaded, 2 outs, and Phil Collins' "I Can Feel It Comin' In the Air Tonight" belting out from the speakers.
9. If it wouldn't have my man card revoked, I think i'd enjoy going to an Elton John concert. There's just something about "The Circle of Life" that warms my loins.
8. I'd like to meet a guy named Art and take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, and criticize him by showering him with obscenities.
7. Does anyone really know why John Olerud always wore that stupid plastic helmet? I heard his boyfriend won it for him by guessing the speed of his pitch at King's Island.
6. You know that delicious white cheese sauce that every Mexican restaurant serves? Why the hell can't you buy it at the grocery store?
5. Somewhere, deep within my 8th grade, baggy Michigan shorts and Georgetown warm up jersey days, I secretly look forward to seeing "Notorious".
4. Seriously, how cool would it be if farts were colored?
3. Speaking of farts. Is there anything else that could be funny forever? I mean I have been hearing the same damn noise coming from my butt for over 26 years, yet I still giggle every time.
2. http://files.colonies.com/userdata/3288033/comic/693/500x500 _5_0_0.jpg
1. Where have you gone Shaun Alexander? Three years ago, you and I were kings of the playground, getting blowjobs from the hot chicks on the monkey bars at recess.......Now, you're just the weird kid that spends the whole time at recess talking to the Teacher.
9. If it wouldn't have my man card revoked, I think i'd enjoy going to an Elton John concert. There's just something about "The Circle of Life" that warms my loins.
8. I'd like to meet a guy named Art and take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, and criticize him by showering him with obscenities.
7. Does anyone really know why John Olerud always wore that stupid plastic helmet? I heard his boyfriend won it for him by guessing the speed of his pitch at King's Island.
6. You know that delicious white cheese sauce that every Mexican restaurant serves? Why the hell can't you buy it at the grocery store?
5. Somewhere, deep within my 8th grade, baggy Michigan shorts and Georgetown warm up jersey days, I secretly look forward to seeing "Notorious".
4. Seriously, how cool would it be if farts were colored?
3. Speaking of farts. Is there anything else that could be funny forever? I mean I have been hearing the same damn noise coming from my butt for over 26 years, yet I still giggle every time.
2. http://files.colonies.com/userdata/3288033/comic/693/500x500 _5_0_0.jpg
1. Where have you gone Shaun Alexander? Three years ago, you and I were kings of the playground, getting blowjobs from the hot chicks on the monkey bars at recess.......Now, you're just the weird kid that spends the whole time at recess talking to the Teacher.
Top Ten Jan. 16, 2009
10. There is absolutely no way, impossible, to convince me that there is any single meal that is better than a steak smothered in A1 Sauce, a loaded potato, loaded with enough grease and fat to give nicole richey a boob, and an ice cold beer.
9. Men buy nice clothes to attract women. Men drive sports cars to attract women. Men have to be decent and do gay things to attract women. Men bathe and groom themselves to attract women.....If we didn't have this silly thing attached to ourselves that forced us to make us squirt stuff everywhere, just imagine all the money we'd save........I could finally have a hot tub in my bedroom that doubled as a bathtub.
8. I pray for the day solid-colored, velvet jump suits are in.
7. You know "that" guy. Everyone knows one. There is just always "that" guy that hates every hometown team, always roots against them, and then roots himself for stupid teams across the nation that he has absolutely no ties with.......I hate that guy.
6. I hate straight billed hats and hats tilted to the side. We all know that when you put it on and looked in the mirror, it was straight. You always had worn it straight, but then you tilt it to the side and smile at the shiny New Era decval under the bill and smile, knowing that NOW you are a badass.
5. Why do we have to eat certain things at certain times of the day? It would be nice to have a piece of pizza for breakfast and an omelette for dinner.
4. Cake sucks. Pie is good.
3. BUTLER is number THREE in the RPI rankings.
2. Who is the only player in the NBA to ever record a quad-double? Alvin Robertson, but I think Chris Paul might be the next.
1. Michelob and Michelob Light is incredible. I forgot.
9. Men buy nice clothes to attract women. Men drive sports cars to attract women. Men have to be decent and do gay things to attract women. Men bathe and groom themselves to attract women.....If we didn't have this silly thing attached to ourselves that forced us to make us squirt stuff everywhere, just imagine all the money we'd save........I could finally have a hot tub in my bedroom that doubled as a bathtub.
8. I pray for the day solid-colored, velvet jump suits are in.
7. You know "that" guy. Everyone knows one. There is just always "that" guy that hates every hometown team, always roots against them, and then roots himself for stupid teams across the nation that he has absolutely no ties with.......I hate that guy.
6. I hate straight billed hats and hats tilted to the side. We all know that when you put it on and looked in the mirror, it was straight. You always had worn it straight, but then you tilt it to the side and smile at the shiny New Era decval under the bill and smile, knowing that NOW you are a badass.
5. Why do we have to eat certain things at certain times of the day? It would be nice to have a piece of pizza for breakfast and an omelette for dinner.
4. Cake sucks. Pie is good.
3. BUTLER is number THREE in the RPI rankings.
2. Who is the only player in the NBA to ever record a quad-double? Alvin Robertson, but I think Chris Paul might be the next.
1. Michelob and Michelob Light is incredible. I forgot.
Top Ten Jan. 13, 2009
10. Cohen's team doesn't have a single player ranked in Yahoo's top 25, other than Mr. James. Pretty amazing for a 1st place team. This is the true reason that consistency is kind in baseball and basketball.
9. The Bluetooth headset is the worst invention ever. The second worst invention was that stupid chain that connected your jeans to your wallet. If you ever wore one, you accept that you are a tool.
8. The world would be a better place if every toilet seat had a fuzzy, cushy seat cover. let's make it happen.
7. Making your bed is the most worthless act in the universe. If you are going to get right back into it 12 hours or so later and make the damn thing look the exact same, what the fuck is the point of making it in the first place?
6. Contrary to popular belief, studies have revealed that Caucasian men actually have the longest weiners on average. African American men were second. South Koreans were last. However, I wonder how scientific this study was, because one fateful evening in the Pacers locker room as a ball boy, Dale Davis proved this theory wrong in epic proportions.
5. peeing in the shower is absolutely normal.
4. The over/under on the percentage of the hired teeny boppers dancing around in front of The Boss's stage at this year's Super Bowl halftime show that have no fucking clue who he is should be set at 97.
3. I HATE seeing fat people grocery shopping using electric carts. They're supposed to be for the elderly or handicapped customers. Maybe they wouldn't be so fat if they would just get off their lazy ass and walk around the damn store like everyone else.
2. Google "Tim Tebow's girlfriend" Holy Shit.
1. TruTV's Rehab at The Hard Rock. Check it out.
9. The Bluetooth headset is the worst invention ever. The second worst invention was that stupid chain that connected your jeans to your wallet. If you ever wore one, you accept that you are a tool.
8. The world would be a better place if every toilet seat had a fuzzy, cushy seat cover. let's make it happen.
7. Making your bed is the most worthless act in the universe. If you are going to get right back into it 12 hours or so later and make the damn thing look the exact same, what the fuck is the point of making it in the first place?
6. Contrary to popular belief, studies have revealed that Caucasian men actually have the longest weiners on average. African American men were second. South Koreans were last. However, I wonder how scientific this study was, because one fateful evening in the Pacers locker room as a ball boy, Dale Davis proved this theory wrong in epic proportions.
5. peeing in the shower is absolutely normal.
4. The over/under on the percentage of the hired teeny boppers dancing around in front of The Boss's stage at this year's Super Bowl halftime show that have no fucking clue who he is should be set at 97.
3. I HATE seeing fat people grocery shopping using electric carts. They're supposed to be for the elderly or handicapped customers. Maybe they wouldn't be so fat if they would just get off their lazy ass and walk around the damn store like everyone else.
2. Google "Tim Tebow's girlfriend" Holy Shit.
1. TruTV's Rehab at The Hard Rock. Check it out.
Top Ten Jan. 14, 2009
10. I honestly think at least twice a week about whether or not I could get hired for a job if I insisted on wearing a cape during the interview.
9. I don’t care what they call them, but those handwarmers that QB’s wear around their waists are definitely fanny packs.
8. Slushies are hands down, one of the most underrated things on this earth. Second would be Zach Greinke.
7. Haywood Workman has to have one of the most repulsive geintal regions that a “non-homeless” man can have.
6. Fountain drinks taste better than bottled soda, but canned soda tastes even better than fountain drinks.
5. Turtlenecks on women should be outlawed for eternity. What the fuck is the point?
4. It is a very strong possibility that Rick and Nick Mullenix wore “dickies” as children.
http://www.hudsonworkwear.net/Photos/new%20photos%20(Marcy)/ FEHOJ%20gray%20dickie.jpg
3. 90 % of people that buy and collect DVDs strictly do so for the purpose of showing off their collection of movies that they will never watch again, but thank god they at least have the damn cover to prove it. Seriously, one of “these guys” would rather pay 25 bucks for a new DVD in its package than accept a free burned copy of the same damn movie. You gotta have the case, right?
2. When Jeff Fisher returns home from golf he tells his wife that he broke 80 “again”, but the truth is that he shot 89 and used 6 mulligans.
1. I shed a couple tears and stroked my balls gently while listening to Jim Irsay’s poem today at Dungy’s press conference. Thank you Tony D. He’s not strong. He’s my brother.
9. I don’t care what they call them, but those handwarmers that QB’s wear around their waists are definitely fanny packs.
8. Slushies are hands down, one of the most underrated things on this earth. Second would be Zach Greinke.
7. Haywood Workman has to have one of the most repulsive geintal regions that a “non-homeless” man can have.
6. Fountain drinks taste better than bottled soda, but canned soda tastes even better than fountain drinks.
5. Turtlenecks on women should be outlawed for eternity. What the fuck is the point?
4. It is a very strong possibility that Rick and Nick Mullenix wore “dickies” as children.
http://www.hudsonworkwear.net/Photos/new%20photos%20(Marcy)/ FEHOJ%20gray%20dickie.jpg
3. 90 % of people that buy and collect DVDs strictly do so for the purpose of showing off their collection of movies that they will never watch again, but thank god they at least have the damn cover to prove it. Seriously, one of “these guys” would rather pay 25 bucks for a new DVD in its package than accept a free burned copy of the same damn movie. You gotta have the case, right?
2. When Jeff Fisher returns home from golf he tells his wife that he broke 80 “again”, but the truth is that he shot 89 and used 6 mulligans.
1. I shed a couple tears and stroked my balls gently while listening to Jim Irsay’s poem today at Dungy’s press conference. Thank you Tony D. He’s not strong. He’s my brother.
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