"The Johan Meter"

An Excerpt from last Tuesday's JSA (Johan Santana Annonymous) meeting.

me: "Hello. My name is Dr. H and I am a Johan Santana addict."

room: "Hello. Dr. H."

It all began four years ago in my second year competing in the extremely nerdy game known as fantasy baseball. Although I had only been exposed to fantasy football in previous years, I instantly became hooked to baseball. In our league, you are allowed to keep one batter and one pitcher at the end of each year and ever since I drafted Johan in my inaugural draft, we've been together like Darryl Strawberry and cocaine.

By the same time the next year, I was already sporting a Minnesota Twins Johan jersey wherever I went. And Last year, upon learning of Johan's trade to the Mets, I instantly ordered a new jersey on Ebay (completely shit-faced at 3 in the morning I might add) and was rocking the thing on Opening Day.

Sadly, I actually live vicariously through the Venezuelan arm of this 5'11 1/2'', 198 pound man. If Johan is up on the hill three hours behind in Anahiem and I need to be at work early the next morning, I won't be able to sleep until he is taken out of the game. It is actually kind of pathetic how much my everyday mood is dependent upon Santana's pitching performances. Trust me, it isn't a coincidence that my arguments with my fiance tend to be more frequent during the days following a rough outing. On the other hand, it is sweet marital bliss when Johan is on a nice win streak.

Anyways, after I returned from a recent camping trip, I got ready to shave the scruff that had grown on my face over the weekend. However, for some reason I decided to create a goatee. Ironically, I am seriously OCD about shaving my face and can't even remember the last time I went more than a day without my mug feeling like a baby's ass. (No, I'm not a pedophile. No, I have never touched a baby's ass) Although the thing is hideous and makes me look 10 years older, I am keeping it. You want to know why? Because from now on this patch of pubic hair around my mouth will be known as "The Johan Meter". I will only be shaving this damn thing after a Santana loss, so basically, the longer my goatee is, the better Johan Santana is pitching. However, I actually hope he loses his last start of the season, because I can't imagine how disgusting this thing would be after a 4 month long offseason

Further updates of The Johan Meter will find their way here.