"The Mom Holiday Sweater Phenomenon"

Women are absolutely wonderful. Their walk is graceful, their bosoms pressed together passes as art, and the bounce of their hair on their shoulders as they grind up and down the stripper pole is a thing of beauty. However, these incredible, sexy creatures eventually turn into older, less lustful entities somewhere in their early 40's. Now I'm perfectly fine with this, because male stomachs begin to look pregnant, my bald spot will make me look Jewish, and my ear hairs will require daily grooming. But their is one aspect of women getting older that I simply cannot understand.

For the love of God, why the fuck do moms insist on wearing a festive sweater for every damn season. Everybody knows the "mom sweater" I speak of. A plain, solid colored sweatshirt with a ridiculous character or festive scene embroidered on the front. It is also usually accompanied by a matching turtleneck. In fact, CNN.com reported last year that 74.6 percent of all 40 year old plus mothers took part in this ridiculous practice of wearing stupid shirts.

Now obviously, as women age, their bodies might require a little less provocativeness when it comes to clothing. Hell, my 40-something wardrobe will mostly consist of suits and velvet jumpsuits. However, these "mom sweaters" are unnecessary. All I ask of my future wife is that I never catch her wearing a black sweatshirt with a big orange pumpkin embroidered on the front with the words "Happy Halloween" below it.

That would be appropriate terms for divorce.