"One Small Step For Mankind. One Tan Weiner For Me."

Some people I tell a story to are surprised that I would share the information with them, let alone tell the story like I'm bragging about running into Angelina Jolie at a bar on a Xanax drip and banging her in the nearest Subway restroom, while enjoying a Footlong Black Forest Ham on wheat. My answer is always the same. Stories are what makes your life and what is the point of life if you can't make fun of yourself?

Years ago during my fifth year "victory lap" in college, a troubling situation arose in my genital region......NO. It was not an STD. Late one evening while my live-in girlfriend was staying at her parents for the weekend, I grew particularly bored. So I did what most bored men away from their girlfriend would do. I decided to buy a hooker.

Just kidding. I decided to whack off. Now I don't want to give you all too much creepy personal information, but this particular fact is critical to the story. Point Blank. I can't do the deed with out some kind of form of lubrication. So I went to our bathroom and began sorting through my girlfriend's army of lotions. I carefully made sure not to grab one of the colorful bottles, because the last time that had happened my dick glistened with glitter and smelled like ripe apricots all weekend. Finally, I chose a bottle, pulled out a file from the spank bank and got to work. 30 seconds later (I'm pretty good) I was washing my hands with a stupid smirk on my face. I then ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and went to bed.

The next morning I arose from bed and headed to the shower. However, as I pulled off my trousers, my face turned white.

"What the fuck?!!!!"

While the rest of my body remained Caucasian, my shaft looked like it was imported straight from India. It was so tan that it looked like it was covered in mud. I rushed towards the museum of lotion in the bathroom and found last night's troublesome ingredient.

"Oh Dear God........ Fucking Self Tanning Lotion."

Apparently if you wash your hands after using it, they will not become stained, but when left on the skin for a long period of time, especially in highly concentrated amounts, the skin will stain. So after rubbing my cock raw with soap, I decided it wasn't so bad. However, I was worried that once my girlfriend went black, she'd never go back.