"And here's to you Mrs. Robinson, Good ol' Marvin has gone away"

The saddened beat of Marvin Harrison’s farewell drum echoed down Meridian Street, past Union Station, past the homeless dinner club at White Castle, and out into the rest of the city at approximately 5:34 p.m. yesterday. I’ll admit that I knew the release of Marvin was inevitable. As a Colts fan, I obviously will forever be grateful to Marv. In fact, he rocked the mustache even better than Tom Selleck. But I also understand that this is a business and we had to look at Marvin as a product. Basically, we were an experienced pimp designating an all-star prostitute to “hand jobs only”. Although the bitch had been our best seller for a long time, her nipples had begun to look like melted Hershey Kisses and her 6th illegitimate child had triggered the beginning of a FUPA. We had to do what was best for out business’s future. However, it is the way that Marvin immediately rejected our offer, as if he wanted to be out of town that pisses me off. Quite frankly, I’ll never understand the difference between 13 million dollars and 10 million dollars. Especially when your team has been one of the most successful franchises of the decade and your career’s 15% statistic inflation has been a direct result of your country pimp, pasty white ass quarterback. But there also seems to be more lying beneath Harrison‘s quiet persona. Over the course of last summer’s stories of Marvin starring in his own ghetto version of Dukes of Hazzard, a slow revelation of the mysteriously quiet man beneath the royal blue and white #88 jersey crept out from under his rug. First, the news about the shooting accusations. I found it nearly impossible to imagine Marvin running the streets of Killadelphia like his accusers led us to believe, but nonetheless I dismissed the news as a once-in-a-lifetime thing, let alone probably a complete farce. However, more and more creepy details about the gracefully aging receiver leaked from the internet and media like the hair pie of an octagenarian. Slowly, but a steady flow nonetheless. Prior events that were most likely originally dismissed as a result of Marvin’s peaceful reputation around the league suddenly rose to the future. Personally, the last 8 months have been a churning concoction of bitter Walmart brand Tequilla and sweet Honey Brown lager in my mouth. Although I want to believe that Marvin had his own personal reasons for rejecting our requests to lowering or restructuring his contract, part of me is thinking that it was a complete asshole move on his part that will result in a personal rude awakening next January when he finds himself catching 58 balls for 725 yards on a 5-11, pile of feces, ball club. And like I said, I will always hold Marvin’s contributions and memories dear to my heart. Hell, I’ll still wear his jersey on game days when I’m taking my first dump of the day (a tradition of mine). But I can’t lie. Part of me will smirk when I see his ass sitting on the end of a crappy team’s bench, dreaming about Sir Peyton’s large TD-tossing cock. In a farewell tribute to our own football version of American Psycho, here is a list of my top 5 all-time Marvin Harrison moments.

5. “Autograph Choker”

Apparently during a Pro Bowl trip to Honolulu a group of teenage kids repeatedly asked Marvin for an autograph. The result? Two men, later joined by Harrison, attacked the boys. Is it just me or are the quiet ones always the crazy ones? That is probably why at least once a week I look out my window half expecting to see the creepy, silent kid that sat next to me in Ceramics class in high school holding a knife.

4. “Marvin plays a game of Just the Tip.”

Marvin’s second touchdown catch in Foxboro in 2007 was one of the greatest catches of all time. With the pass nearly 2/3 of the way already there, Marvin turns around and tips the end of the ball, twice, away from his opponent, towards the sideline, and still managed to come down with the ball.

3. “Momma See, Momma Do”

This isn’t an altercation. Too be honest, most of the crap on the internet is probably only one side of the story. However, Marvin’s mother actually picks out his shirts, matches them with a tie, ties the tie around the shirt, and actually UPS ships these shirts overnight to him. He claims he is lazy and a “bad Matcher”.

2. “Greatest Comeback of All-Time”

Colts 38 Bucs 35
October 6, 2003

Trailing by 21 points with only three and a half minutes remaining in the game, the Colts capped off the greatest comeback in Monday Night Football history. Marvin caught 11 balls for 172 yards and two scores, but his best catch was the 52 yard completion to the 5 yard line that set up the tying score.

1. “NY Jets Ball Boy”

Apparently prior to the Colts 0-41 ass slapping at the Meadowlands, a ball boy catching and returning punts for NY tossed a ball back that got a little too close to Harrison. Marvin must have thought that the 5’3’’, 135 pound 14 year old was a danger to his safety and took matters into his own hands. He lifted the boy above the ground by his shirt collar, while demanding that he admit he threw the ball at him on purpose.

Oh Marvin……….I’ll miss you like an ex-pothead misses the taste of Papa Johns.