"Top Ten Changes Needed In Sports"

So a plastic water bottle sits in a landfill for 250 years. Big deal. World pollution is one thing, but there are a plethora of important issues to deal with in America. Like sports. Sports are great. This we know. However, there are some possible changes that I think could substantially increase our viewing pleasure. Below is my list of the top ten potential changes to sports for the year 2010.

10. I would consider watching bowling on Sunday afternoons in late February, during the NBA All-Star Break, after 7 or more High Life’s, when I have misplaced the remote control and ESPN is still on the television from late last night. I would. But only if they would allow other bowlers on the other 30 lanes at the alley while the professionals are bowling. It’d be awesome to have the title match right in the middle of Cosmic Bowling. That’d be a true test of skill.

9. Heckling from fans should be encouraged on the PGA Tour. Think about it. Hell, I’m an ex-high school golfer, yet I still thinks it sucks that the gallery must remain silent during each shot. If they were really that good, Kenny Perry should be able to make a 10 foot putt while Joe Nobody yells at him that he had sex with his wife.

8. The NHL should allow each team to have an extra person of their choice on the ice at all times. However, this extra person is only allowed to wear tennis shoes and isn't allowed to wear pants. He also is not allowed to have a hockey stick, but can pick up the puck and try to throw it into the net.

7. Every single sport in America should be forced to only have dogs catching Frisbees as its halftime show. Who doesn’t love watching those fucking dogs catch those fucking Frisbees?

6. All NFL stadiums should be equipped with headphones in each seat. All players on the field should be equipped with small microphones. That way, spectators can put the headphones on and tune in to whichever player that want to listen to during the game. They’d also probably have to raise the minimum spectator age to 18, because Mommy doesn’t want little Jimmy to ask her what a "Dirty Sanchez" is and why Albert Haynesworth just told Joseph Addai he did it to his mother.

5. There should be a tailgate zone in every Major League ballpark. I’m sure no one follows Mississippi State baseball, but they have an idea that is brilliant. Basically, they have a place in the stadium called “Noble Field’s Left Field Lounge”. For 10 bucks, you get admission into the game AND permission to bring coolers and grills into the area to tailgate before, throughout, and after the game as you please. An idea this perfect could even fill seats at a Marlins game.

4. Soccer should be outlawed in America. The rest of the world can riot all they want, but we need to realize that soccer is not going to make it in this country. I’m going to sit my kid down the first time he asks to sign up for soccer, just as a typical parent sits down their teenager the first time they find a joint in their sock drawer, and tell him that soccer is for big faggots.

3. I was going to say that a Dollar Menu at ball parks would be awesome, but minutes ago as I was pushing out a dump that resembled a cajun-marinated pork loin, I was reading an article in ESPN’s magazine. Apparently, nearly all MLB ballparks will be actually instituting a dollar menu, beginning this season. The items on the menu might be smaller, but it sure beats spending 5 bucks on a hot dog when you’re already trying to get drunk on 7 dollar beers.

2. This one has nothing to do at all with sports, but It just happened and I had to tell someone. As I am writing this list, I see a commercial on television about Sears sofa and upholstery cleaning. They claimed they could get any stain out of any piece of furniture. Now everyone knows I love nothing better than fucking with companies over the phone, so I gave em’ a call. I did my best angry dad voice and explained to service agent Lisa that my damn teenage daughter is a huge fucking whore and there is enough man juice on my couch now to make a pitcher. She did her best to not sound disgusted, and after I used the word “spunk” 11 more times, she actually told me should could still set me up for an estimate sometime this week. People will do anything for business during this recession.

1. Pllllleeeeeaaaassssse Take the World Series of Poker off of ESPN. Seriously folks, can you imagine if MLB had a World Series every single week? I just don’t understand it. Do they just do it again every week until every indoor-sunglass-wearing turd gets a ring? Every week you see them hyping up another “World Series”. Besides, it is a fucking game of cards. It belongs on the Game Show Network (A very underrated network, by the way), but not on ESPN. But then again, who am I kidding? ESPN also insists on showing dogs catching frisbees and I already told you that those moments should be strictly used for halftime performances at sporting venues.