No Dumbbells, Just My Balls!: When Will Rap Music Just Shoot Itself?

I have to admit, I went through the typical “suburban white boy thinks he’s cool and wears XXL Jerseys, baggy pants, and listens to Bone Thugs N’ Harmony” phase. Sadly, most 12 year old boys do. Now maybe I woke up one too many times on the bathroom floor in my underwear during college, but if my memory serves me correctly, rap music USED to be good. Even now, although I’m not a current subscriber to Vibe Magazine and you’ll never catch me making a N.E.R.D hand symbol in a picture, you’ll still find some Dr. Dre, Eminem, and Wutang in my car. However, it seems that today’s rap music is just plain, dumb. Whenever I accidentally stop the dial on Hot 96.3 on the FM radio, I swear to god it sounds like two large autistic men are shouting streams of consiousness, while Helen Keller plays with the soundboard. It seems that all of the good ideas for rap choruses have been used, so rappers have resorted to just saying a few words over and over. I demand to have these guys tell me why they insist about telling me what they do in their “White T” and what the hell a “chickenhead” is. I think they have a formula to making a hit song. They must close their eyes and when they open them, write down the first two things they saw. Next, add a background beat and one guy angrily shouts the two words they had just wrote down, while the other guy yells a rotation of “YEH!”, “Uh-huh!”, and “What?!”. Now I know it sounds like an incredibly complex system that is sure to produce meaningful and touching songs, but you can actually try to make your own number one rap song at home.

I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I see a remote control and my dog. Now add the bass.

“Control yo Dog! Control yo Dog! Control yo Dog! Control yo Dog!”

My phone rings. Its Russell Simmons. Apparently “Control yo Dog” just went platinum.

I’m not sure if the recent decline in hip-hop music is because I am becoming an old white fart that doesn’t understand it or if all of the good ideas for songs have been used. But I truly think it is the declining IQ’s of our nation that is leading to the horrible, incoherent babbling that finds its way to MTV. I saw Little Wayne do an interview the other day and I contemplated whether or not it would be fair to bring a child into this world in the future. I couldn’t understand a word he said, but it was something about holdin’ it down and makin’ it rain. The weird part though was that he was straining to say every word like he was slowly dieing or very constipated. Anyways, here is my list of quite possibly the 5 dumbest human beings on the face of the earth. And I wish all these dudes would quit asking everybody, “You know what I’m saying?” No! I don’t fucking know what you’re saying. You sound retarded.

5. Lil John
First off, can anyone think of a damn rap name that doesn't involve "Lil"? Secondly, can you imagine this guy trying to play Scrabble?

4. Ying Yang Twins
Holy Shit. They would have been the number one dumbass, but since there are two of them, I had to only put half the blame on each of them. Whistle Why You Twork? C’mon. The Whisper Song? This one I actually like listening to, because it is just funny listening to two grown men whispering about “bea

tin’ that pussy up”, while the other guy keeps repeating “wait til you see my dick. Wait til you see my dick, bitch!”.

3. Ja Rule
Need Proof?

Watch this insightful interview.