"Top 5 Confessions: Unlikely Women That Warm My Loins"

Every guy wants to crack an egg on Eva Mendez's turd-cutter and make some "sexual breakfast". Jennifer Aniston could cook popcorn in my pants. And everyone already knows that Megan Fox's vagina is a hotter camoddity than gold in today's economy. But I wanted to dig deeper, so I decided to make a quick list of the "underdogs". You know, the ladies that go under the radar and undeservedly are neglected when it comes to masturbation material. So without further wait, this is the list of the sexy second places.

5. Jennifer Carpenter.
This is somewhat of a wild card. I'll admit, she definitely has a slight "butchiness" to her. But she also has an incredible "I'm a big slut that wants you to do me on the hood of my squad car" look to her. The television sister of my favorite character, this bitch makes "Dexter" that much better.






4. Stephanie Rice.
Most people remember Michael Phelps' amazing performances from last year's Olympics, but I have another vision branded into my memory. Stephanie Rice. An Australian swimmer, she was also recently signed as the new Davenport underwear model. I hope she doesn't leave streak marks.










3. Mary Louise Parker.
Any guy that has watched "Weeds" knows what I'm talking about. I'd fluff that mom-gina any day of the week.

2. Kate Mare.
Hands down, the hottest daughter of a dead NFL team owner I have ever seen. I never saw Brokeback Mountain, but apparently that is the only movie she's been in that anyone's heard of. However, "googling" her name was enough justice for me.

1. Diane Lane.
Although it is a known fact that Diane is somewhere in her 40's, this lane is one that is not driven down enough. Flat out, the hottest mom I have ever jerked the chicken to......Well, except for my dog Madison's mother. That was one fine bitch. Anyways, watching Ms. Lane ride that foreign dude like a 10-speed through a cornfield in "Unfaithful" was awesome.......except for the shots of the tan guy's ass.