Joining us today we have a big surprise. Not quite as special as the surprise I found in my underwear after lunch this afternoon, but very close. He is a fantasy sports nerd extraordinaire and world-renowned fantasy sports writer for RotoExperts.com. His articles have been published on SportsIllustrated.com and one time wrote a testimonial for the Jenna Jameson Realistic Vagina Mold for Playboy Magazine. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like you to meet Christopher "The Rex" Ryan.
Dr. H: "Chris, How ya doing today fuckface?"
Rex: "Three-fourths of a way through a twelve pack, high as an astronaut, and the Hoosiers just notched their first conference victory...how do you think I'm feeling? Also, I just got done ritualistically cutting myself so as to release the "naughties" from my insides. Let's talk baseball."
Dr. H: "Tipsy, eh? Well I'd like to say I wasn't currently fondling myself underneath the table, but I am. Anyways, let's dive right into things. It is common knowledge around the fantasy baseball world t
hat you have a very deep, almost creepy admiration for David Wright. In fact, I have always questioned why you have two David Wright Fatheads on your ceiling, directly above your bed. Moving on though, Mr. Wright has not done much wrong since his breakthrough into the Stud Club. I mean, not only is he IN the Stud Club, but he has a lifetime VIP pass and is greeted at the bar with a blowjob from the hot bartender in the referee outfit upon entrance. Except on Tuesdays of course. Big Mike is the bartender on Tuesdays. Anyways, he reminds me A LOT of a certain up and coming, Rookie of the Year, for the Tampa Bay Rays. Any comparisons between the Evan Longoria and David Wright and how similar do you think their final career stats will compare?"Rex: "I'll be honest, I wanted to hate Mr. Longoria for one reason, and one reason alone; jealousy. His idealically cut gib, his strapping demeanor, the way his swing can spontaneously elicit an orgasm from even the most hardened baseball man reminds me so much of my beloved David that it scares me. The fact that they both play third base has
only heightened my hope that Evan becomes embroiled in a performance-enhancing scandal or has his leg severed in an unfortunate break-dancing episode. I have, however, come to accept the fact that there's enough room atop the fantasy baseball hierarchy for both. As for as career numbers go, Wright will reign supreme. When all is said and done, the "Metropolitan Metrosexual" will go down as one of, if not the greatest, all-around players to inhabit the hot corner, while I see Longoria's star burning brighter, but for a much shorter period of time."
Dr. H: "By suggesting a "much shorter period", are you trying to ensue that Evan has a vagina? But moving on, let's talk pitching. We all have dated a crazy broad at one time or another. We stay with them only because they are hot, but their rampant mood swings eventually drive us off a cliff, wiener in our hands, swearing off sex for the next month. In fantasy terms, Carlos Zambrano is one of these hot, crazy bitches. His potential and track record is very appealing, but he always seems to blow up out of nowhere and do something stupid, like giving up 5 runs in the bottom of the 6th to the Florida Marlins. Now as a Carlos owner last year, what was your experience like and how do you see the Mr. Z Experiment panning out this year?"
Rex: "Let me lay a scenario out for you, my good doctor. Say you're involved with a gal that gives you everything you need. She's an above-average
cook, enjoys the same movies and music that you do, and isn't shy about sucking "Captain Pendergrast" on a regular basis. She holds a reliable, steady-paying, non-slutifying job that enables you to sustain a comfortable -- if not uneventful -- existence. The only downside is that once a year, at a seemingly random time, she climbs on top of your shared roof and clobbers the fuck out of it with a sledgehammer and then declares that she's staying with her mother until you "fix the damn holes." Would it be worth it? I say yes. And that, my friend, is what it's like to own Carlos Zambrano. And yes, I'm keeping him this year."Dr. H: "I don't know, roof repairs can be very expensive. Just last week, I found out the hard way that home
owner's insurance is pretty damn expensive with All State. The only reason I chose them in the first place was because I was hoping to meet the president from "24", but apparently he's just a paid spokesperson. But changing things up, who's your favorite porn star and what baseball player would she played ball?Rex: "Isabella Soprano, hands down. And I'd liken her to John Kruk in his prime; dirty, willing to do it all, slightly chubby, and appealing as fuck. "
Pic of Isabella http://i208.photobucket.com/
Dr. H: "Who is your absolute "I'll never touch that stupid motherfucker as long as I play fantasy baseball" guy?"
Rex: "The qui
ck answer would be Pat Burrell, but I'm kinda digging his D.H. role in Tampa this year, so I'll go with the King of the Spazoids himself, Carlos Quentin."Dr. H: "What pitcher do you see being a great value this year?"
Rex: "Rich Hill. He won't be drafted in even the deepest of leagues, but his nasty 12-to-6 hook may be the best in baseball, and assuming he's able to re-learn what the strikezone is, there's plenty of space waiting for him in the Baltimore rotation. If you're looking for a legitimate major leaguer, Ricky Nolasco makes my balls quiver like a pre-adolescent teenager grasping his first boob."
Dr. H: "Hitter?"
Rex: "Shit fool, You know I like to play my sleepers close to the vest, but since you're so damn insistent (and since I'm now fully through the 12-pack), I'll play ball. Fred Lewis has caught my attention. He's slotted to be batting fifth in the Giants lineup and is a sure bet to steal 20-plus bases while flirting with a .300 average. I've been trying to keep the "black Corey Hart" under wraps, but once again, the booze has sold me out."
Dr. H: "Who wins the NL pennant?"
Rex: "The Cubs. Of course."
Dr. H: "AL?"
Rex: "The fully insane Hank Steinbrenner and his billion-dollar Yankees."
Dr. H: "World Series?"
C'mon, you really think I'm going to jinx Lou and the Crew? I plead the fifth.
Dr. H: "Which Williams' sister is hotter?"
Rex: "I don't know their names, but I like the black one. The more pertinent question to me is which former major leaguer named Williams looks like Eddie Munster on steroids? I vote for Matt."
Dr. H: "Got you on that one!"
Rex: "What did you get me on?"
Dr.
H: "Well, thank you for joining us, Rex. I know you mentioned to me earlier that you were late for a National Rifles Association rally and I've got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles waiting for me on the DVR, so I'll let you get out of here. Thanks for joining us. Go GUNS!"Rex: "Bang, bang, bitch."
This interview took place at the lovely Dave and Teddy's Special Surprise Strip Club in beautiful Dungtown, Kentucky. Thanks guys for all the hospitality.....and the shrimp cocktails, butts, and boobs.
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