Let me set the scene for you. It is a beautiful, lazy Sunday afternoon in late May. Looking at your head-to-head fantasy baseball score, all you need to beat your hated rival this week is for Dice-K to not get the win today and judging by his alarming amount of walks as of late, you smile with a glimpse of hope. As the game ambles into the bottom of the third inning in a 1-1 tie, Matsuzaka begins the inning with two consecutive walks, bringing Robinson Cano to the plate. Surely, the Asian sensation is not getting out of this one without letting a run slide by, so you order yourself a celebratory shot of whiskey, chase it with a slurp of Bargs Root Beer and lustily stare at the guy's pizza next to you, almost hoping that he offers you a piece or at least a pepperoni. Instead he puts his arm around the pie like a 3rd grader keeping another student from copying on a math quiz and your attention quickly turns back to the television to see Cano getting thrown at at first, yet advancing the other two runners into scoring position. 1 out, 2 on with Jorge Posada at the plate. Dice-K proceeds to walk Jorge in 5 pitches and the sweat is beginning to roll down the his forehead like a "top-five" Ron Jeremy facial. Bases loaded and only 1 out with Jeter at the plate? As if this site didn't entice you enough, you notice that the guy with the sexy pizza pie next to you has paid his bill and left, leaving behind a slice of goodness. As the bartender reaches to grab the leftover plate, you smack his hand and swipe the last slice and turn your attention back to the television. Oh shit! Your balls begin to ache like your DVD player just froze on the best scene in Big Booty Barbeque 2 and your butt clinches up in anger like a pretty boy in prison, trying to avoid anal intrusion. Dice-K got Jeter to ground into a double play, second to home to first and the inning is over. For the rest of the game, Dice-K puts more guys on then Jessica Alba in a mini-skirt, but keeps getting out of the jams for the remainder of the game. As Paplebon strikes out the last batter of the game, clinching Matsuzaka's win, your phone beeps letting you know you have a new voicemail, but you don't check it, because you know your friend just called to ask you how his ass tastes.
Do I think Dice-K is a good pitcher? Yes, absolutely. But do I think he is the type of quality pitcher that his numbers at the end of the season reveal? No. His WHIP is higher than Michael Phelps at a USC house party. Maybe the world will never know. Hell, I've been trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop since I was six years old.
Over 20 fucking starting pitchers last year had WHIP's 1.20 or lower. Matsuzaka's WHIP was 1.32. Yet here was Dice-K's final ranks in the other AL categories.
Wins: Third
Winning Percentage: Second
Opp. BA Against: 1st (by a HUGE advantage)
So you would probably assume that he strikes out a lot of batters in order to not give up many runs while putting on over 1.3 baserunners per inning, but he isn't even in the top 12 in the American League.
All I can say, is the little Asian that's addicted to Sour Patch Kids, might end up with some good numbers, but he isn't a guy I'm targeting among the elite. Sooner or later, Matsuzaka's streak of luck will turn.
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