“Top Ten Things I Miss About Being a Kid”
10. Two words: Sonic Six. When I saw that blue and white beauty with the windshield and the gear shifter, I experienced my second orgasm. The first one was after I insisted to my mother that it was
a bad idea to get my Bantam Football League physical from a female doctor.9. Simplicity. I’m no alcoholic or crack addict, but remember when all you needed for a good time on a Friday night was T.G.I.F, a Domino’s pizza, and a pitcher of red Kool-Aid? Munching on pizza and watching Boy Meets World with a big red moustache was as good as it got.
8. Little League Baseball. I seriously believe that making “turd replicas” out of the mud in the dugout was the best time of my life.
7. Toilet Papering. This came during the latter half of my youth, but boy did I catch on quick. I’m not gonna say why or how, but a certain guy in a certain neighborhood got “Hose Man” written in shaving crea
m on his driveway every Halloween, reminding him of who his daddy was.6. “Dating”. Remember when dating only consisted of a peck on the cheek and a note during class? Yes, our dicks might have suffered, but at least we didn’t have to waste our money on expensive dinners and worthless in-depth conversations that are only initiated with the intention to check out what is inside her pants.
5. L.A. Gears. They’re now known as LA Queers, but I used to love rockin’ a fresh pair of Gears with the big fat laces to school.
4. Summer. There is a reason that every day I day dream about becoming a teacher and spending 3 months a year watching Saturday morning cartoons in my underwear, three inches from the television, with my butt in the air and milk from my Lucky Charms dripping down my chin…….Well, actually that still sounds like a typical Saturday morning for me now, but it’d be nice to do it every morning for three consecutive months.3. Colts games. This might seem strange, but there was just something great about sitting in the empty upper deck with my dad, watching Jack Trudeau lead the poops into defeat. Yes we sucked, but it was “our” team. Tickets were practically given away and there was an awesome sense of camaraderie among those that actually showed up for games. I can’t ever recall sitting behind a Carmel housewife in her brand new Peyton Manning jersey, Colts earrings, belt and hat that matches her new Colts purse, screaming for the home team. For one, she has no idea what the fuck she is watching and is only into the Colts because she thinks it is a “fun thing to do and its trendy”. 10 years from now when we inevitably come back to Earth, that lady will be at the mall on game day.
2. Sports were simply sports. I’m as big a Pacers fan as you’ll find, but as a fantasy nut job, I hate the fact that my loins heat up when Raymond Felton drains back-to-back treys against the gold and blue. It shouldn’t be like this, but at least I’m not lying to myself. I am who I am. And that is one sick fantasy sports son of a bitch.
1. Recess. The world would be a much happier place if 30 minutes a day, we were all allowed to chase girls around the playground and pee down the tunnel slide.
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