Top Ten Jan. 25, 2009

Well folks, it is a lazy Saturday early afternoon or late morning. I have nothing to do all day, so today’s top ten will be different. I’ll be combining my two favorite things in life: harassing QVC and sloppin’ chipotle from my sloppy Subway sandwich all down my chest. Today’s top ten will consist of highlights from my date with QVC.

10. This dike in a maroon turtle neck just said something ridiculous. I quote:

“I need to confess something to everyone. This will be the only time you will ever be able to get this necklace for the rest of your life. In fact, you only have til noon.”

The way that bitch looked at me through the TV, I seriously contemplated ordering it, because she made me think I would drop dead at noon if I didn’t.

9. Some red headed tool with a faggoty grin, trying to sell a scarf, just said “Get r’ Done!” He thought it was the funniest thing ever and giggled like a horny china girl looking at Visanthe Shiancoe’s schlong for the first time.

8. Supposedly Air Traffic controllers have the highest percentage of suicides in America among all other careers. I beg to differ. All QVC employees must want to kill themselves. Think about it, you have to fake smile, act like a complete fruit loop, lie about products, act waaaayyyy too enthusiastic on every occasion, and talk to people that are telling you about some gay portable light switch they just bought, but you have to act like they are telling you the best story of all-time. I bet the guys just go home, get plastered, and piss in their own faces. I would.

7. Just tried for the first time this afternoon to attempt to an on-air testimonial about “item #J50017 Colors of Gold textured Oval Hoop Earrings“. The problem is that you have to convince the operator to put you through. Unfortunately, Rashida thought I was really rude when I demanded to tell Kathy about how nice the ear rings I just bought will look on my love muscle.

6. 2 minutes later………
Called QVC back and dialed Rashida’s extension and when she answered the phone I just breathed heavily, yelled “love muscle!”, and hung up.

Note: Apparently today was “Real Gold” day where all they did was sell jewelry. I can’t take it any longer, so the rest of today’s list will be random thoughts about anything.

5. I hate it when it looks nice and sunny outside from the window, but you find out it is just a tease as you step outside and have half your face shrivel up and crack like octogenarian dick from the fucking cold, harsh wind.

4. I like dogs as much as anyone, but why the fuck does Buffalo Wild Wings insist on having it on their TV just because it is on ESPN? They might serve my favorite wings and a damn good cold brew, but who the hell is running this shit? Last time I was in their, they had dog agility championships, the running network, and a women’s college basketball game on.

3. Guarding Catt in basketball is horrible. It is like trying to guard an ox covered in seal skin from all the sweat. Catt might not stuff the stat sheet, but the kid sure can do the dirty work and take some boys out along the way.

2. Denise Austin is still hot. I don’t care what any of you say, but I want those Buns of Steel. However, Diane Lane is my absolute favorite older lady in the world. I’d love for her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich and let me eat it off her ass.

1. I’m really disappointed in the direction the Free Credit Report commercials have gone lately. They took the greatest 30 second song ever and tried to tweak it too much. You don’t mess with perfection.