Ian Stewart:
Which of these statements is true?
a.) Ian Stewart once sold latex underwear to nursing homes to make extra money in high school.
b.) Ian Stewart wipes standing up.
c.) Ian Stewart is a third baseman with possible second base eligibility for the Colorado Rockies that will shatter expectations this year.
TRICK QUESTION!
THEY'RE ALL CORRECT!
Ian Stewart is this year's very very poor man's Dustin Pedroia, except he is taller and has more pubic hair. Yes, Stewart's strikeout ratio is nastier than your underwear that was super glued to your ass for nearly 2 weeks, but he showed ALOT more patience down the stretch last year and is still pretty green. Based on the loaded bat he swung in August last year, I could seriously see Stewart reaching 20 homers and 10 stolen bases.
Pablo Sandoval:
If someone asked me about this guy last year, I'd have thought they were talking about a traditional Mexican cuisine generally served in the northern Mayan regions of Mexico. 18 months later, I'm drooling over this mammoth like the true fantasy baseball enchillada platter he is. Not only is the dude tipping the scales at a powerful 250 pounds, but he can play 3B, 1B, and catcher. Point blank, Pablo has the kind of multiple position flexibility that would make even Jenna Jameson jealous. Now don't go doing something retarded, like drafting Dan Uggla in the 4th round, but when the later rounds role around, see if this delicious Mexican dish is still on the menu.
Matt Wieters:
If sleeper baseball prospects were breakfast sandwiches, Mr. Wieters would be your Burger King Double Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Crossanwich at 3 a.m. after a long night of bar hopping. Sporting News has even gone as far as stating he could be "one of the top 5 catchers in all of baseball by mid season". Now, just like when one of my friends claimed he could fill two 20 oz. Mountain Dew bottles with piss while I was heading down Meridian Street to a Pacers game, that was a VERY bold statement. However, Wieters does have all the flavors of a fantasy baseball tortilla rolled up and ready to be dipped in hot sauce.
Matt LaPorta:
In only 2 years, Matt LaPorta, OF, Cleveland Indians, has gone from titty fucking hot Florida University sorority chicks to being drafted seventh overall by the Brewers in 2007 and hitting 12 homers in his first 30 games in the minors. When C.C. Fatbathia's strikeout-producing FUPA was dealt to Milwaukee last season, a major chunk of the deal revolved around LaPorta becoming an Indian. Unlike the Indians from the French and Indian War, these Indians apparently know what they're doing.
matt laporta also used to model "dickies" in Kohls catalogs.
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