Top Ten January 26, 2009

10. So I just saw a promo for this new “Homeland Security U.S.A”. If you haven’t heard of it, it is basically a reality show that follows around members of our Homeland Security division. What a great idea, right? Let’s show everyone on national television how we go about trying to stop terrorists, that way terrorists around the world can find loopholes in the system and learn from others’ mistakes.

9. It is pretty cool how many pretty good NBA players are form Indianapolis.

George Hill, Greg Oden, Eric Gordon, Courtney Lee, Josh McRoberts (Ok, I use the term “good” very loosely), Mike Conley, Rodney Carney

Not too bad.

8. I wonder who fucked whose organization the most?

Ron Artest single handily ruining the Pacers franchise with a trip into the stands or Kelvin Sampson’s fetish with cellular phone calls sabotaging Indiana’s future.

7. I HATE when Kobe Bryant does that thing where he pushes his lips together and pushes them out. Remember that press conference he had to discuss how he banged that school girl in Colorado? The dude did that lip thing nearly 300 times.

6. Have you ever popped open a bottle of Heinekan? Next time you try it, take a big whiff, it smells EXACTLY like freshly prepared Grade-a marijuana.


5. Why is it that left-handed athletes, no matter what the sport, always look so much smoother?

4. My fiancee’ is always telling me that dragging the spare bedroom’s mattress downstairs to the living room and putting it directly in front of the television is stupid. I’ll tell you what stupid is. Stupid is NOT dragging your spare bedroom’s mattress in front of the big screen and spending the next 8 hours watching StatTracker, drinking beer, and geing covered in fleece blankets just because “normal“ people say it is stupid. THAT would be stupid.

3. I have a dream (read in a voice and manner similar to MLK). That one day, I will be able to have a room without carpet or wood floors. No linoleum and no tiles. Just beds. Seriously, how cool would it be to have a room that is completely floored with mattresses? Basically, no matter what you did, you’d be doing it in bed and everyone knows that anything done in better is better…..except crapping.

2. How weird would it have been if hundreds of years ago, men had named different things with different names? What if steak had been called penis, dinner had been called shit, shower had been named poop, and shave had been called molest..
Think about it. This would be a perfectly normal sentence:

“The penis tonight was the best shit I’ve ever had. Today, I’m going to poop and molest at the same time.

1. Holy Shit. Jeff Van Gundy is a fucking retarded piece of shit. I’m watching the Spurs/Lakers game on ABC and Van Gundy just said he would rather have Anderson Varejeo as his center than Chris Bosh on the East All Star team. However, ABC made up for Van Gundy’s idiotic jargon when Mark Jackson responded by calling Jeff a “weirdo“.